Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The Foundation for Saving Rock Music

I'm thinking about starting a charity, or a foundation, or something that can help the world and make me a millionaire and/or get me backstage at the next Octane-publicized rock show.

Do charities or foundations do those things? I have no idea. The last time I joined a foundation/charity/group was in college when I accidentally became a member of PETA. Pretty sure I was the worst member *ever*.
Not only did I flagrantly wear leather products (including, but not limited to a halter top) but I also ate routinely at Burger King. (I hope you used that 20 bucks well, PETA.) I think I've donated money to Tibetan monks for preservation of their culture - if not, mental note.

Those of you (clearly intelligent and awesome humans from Europe and otherwise) who are regulars know that I have an unwavering passion for awesome music. I adore rock music and have for as long as I can remember (minus an unfortunate tween foray into the world of pop songs). The first time I was ever pulled over for speeding (pretend you're surprised) I couldn't hear the woop-woop of the cop car behind me because I had Jimi Hendrix on too loud. You know it.

I don't normally talk about religion in my blog. First off, you're WELCOME. Secondly, it is not my beezwax what you do or whom/what you worship/pray to/light candles for/observe.

Wait, what do these seemingly unrelated things have in common and why are they here? I'll tell you.

I get irked when I like a song and then detect a vaguely religious theme in it. I'm not talking Scott Stapp-from-Creed and his weird affinity for Christ poses. THAT is obvious. (Almost as obvious as his hypocrisy: remember the Kid-Rock-Tour-Bus-Porno-Tape incident? No? I bet Scotty's wife does. Ahem.)

I'm talking about bands that I (with my never-ending need to analyze words) suspect are religiously leaning. Then I think, oh wait! It's totally rock! WOO! That's my normal default reaction, the WOO part.

In fact, here is a picture of me (and The Man) at a rock concert:

See? That is photographic evidence of my natural reaction to all things righteously rock-related. 

But when I think that my rock music is trying to preach to me? Um. No thank you? I'm NOT against the religious part of it - at all - I fully anticipate that musicians have faith-related beliefs, activities, etc. Totally cool with that. I just don't want to hear religious-y things in rock. Why? Allowmetoexplain.

Rock music should involve any of the following:

Being pissed off at your girlfriend/boyfriend/life partner (think "I hate everything about you" Three Days Grace or pretty much anything by Five Finger Death Punch.)
Being inebriated (For God's sake, this is ROCK music. I don't *endorse* addiction/alcoholism. I do expect a nod to it in my music. Think: "Drink Drank Drunk" by Hell Yeah)
Being pissed off at a general vague person/anyone you can think of (think "Walk" by Pantera)
Slavish devotion to rock music (Think "10,000 fists" by Disturbed)
The Man (Think any song, ever by Rage Against the Machine.)
Furious Righteous Anger at Life in General (think "Welcome to the Family" by Avenged Sevenfold or "Last Resort" by Papa Roach.)
A totally Awesome Show of Support for the Military (think "Indestructible" by Disturbed or "Soldiers" by Otherwise.
Being Desperately Unhappy with your Sig Other and/or Heartbroken (think "Call me when You're Sober" by Evanescence or "This Love" by Pantera or "Your Betrayal" by Bullet for my Valentine.)
Anger at your Family for their Disappointment in You (think "Pray" by Disturbed or pretty much anything by Five Finger Death Punch.)
Death (think "Fade to Black" by Metallica or, um., LOTS of other stuff. Also by Metallica.)
A Passionate Experience (think any good rock song by any good rock band.)

Rock music should NOT involve the following:

Use of the phrase "if I was (sic) your boyfriend"
Repetitive monosyllabic words that rhyme (love/dove, blue/you, sad/bad, etc etc)
Your special love of Jesus/Vishnu/etc etc

I promise I am not some idolatrous heathen who sacrifices goats in the light of the full-moon. I just believe in keeping my intense and brooding rock bands NOT intense or brooding about religion. Unless they're raging against The Man, The Machine or hyporcisy. Ain' much Your Favorite Writer hates more than hypocrisy. My favorite level of Dante's Inferno was when I read about the hypocrites wearing beautiful but leaded cloaks for eternity; their apparent piety was the beauty on the outside, and the falsehood below the surface was the leaden weight of untruth. FABulous Mr. Aligheiri. Well done sir. 

I digress.

If I want to hear a sermon, I know where to go thankyouverymuch. And if I want to have a spiritual experience, I prefer that it's me sitting lower pavilion and hearing my favorite song with my fist being part of the 10,000 in the air. No lyrics necessary. 

Although? My BFFIC, my most rational-ist friend and my fictitious consigliere, did point out that Disturbed got all let's-talk-about-religion in their Holocaust song. Still totally acceptable. It's HISTORICAL dammit. Plus? I sort of give one of my favorite bands a pass. If the boys in Disturbed want to slap a menorah on their next (please reunite already!) album cover, then mazel tov! Let the record also show that in the song "pray" I can only assume they're talking about their righteous music as prayer. So there ya go.

Oh so I sound hypocritical now. Eh? Well I'll slap myself in a leaden coat posthaste, readers in France. 

So, if you want to send some engraved shot glasses, 20 dolla' billz y'all, and/or VIP passes to an A7X concert, feel free. Or join my imaginaryThe Foundation for Saving Rock Music. Or Keeping Rock Music Pure. Or Purely Rock Music. Whatever. Otherwise, please find some real rock music. For those about to rock, well, you know that Your Favorite Writer salutes you. 

Comments, questions, POD fans, feel free to shout at your screens? (I DO actually like that one song. Currently on Octane.)