Monday, October 15, 2012

Mmmmmm...Maxalt, or, Adult Rules for Facebooking

 Happy Monday, readers in France. Or, as they say, Heruex Lundi! Which, is pretty much the same thing. Although I think I might need to put the words in different order. I'm not terribly certain. Aaanyway, my stat magician told me that I'm once again earning some readership from Le France, so merci and bonjour, respectively. The following post is something that I found while going through the back-side of my blog last week. It was a draft that I'd never posted, and it was mildly entertaining, so here you go. Or, alternately, voici or voila, whichever works for you.


Well, I'm sitting in the High Wingback of Power and trying to avoid the powerful urge to curl up sideways and count the stripes in the upholstery. Maxalt, while having defeated a vicious eye-bulging migraine, unfortunately renders me about as coherent as the dead lizard we found in our basement yesterday. True story. Dead amphibian creature, bam, right there on the floor in the room the cat likes to chill in. I think the cat took a break from his power-nap to play with the lizard, like, to DEATH.


So my head is at least still mostly attached to my body, not exploding as I feared it might, and someone appears to have turned down the wattage on the sun which is a total WIN.

Now, I will treat you to Adult Rules for Facebooking. You're already welcome.

See, I'm old, TRAGICALLY so. I'm 33 and my generation was way too busy opening about 50 pop-up windows in AOL to dither around inventing social media. When I was a wee lass, social media wasn't even a term. Damn, I wish I'd invented Twitter too, while we're at it.

So I'm sure there are about 5,078 teenage rules for Facebooking, and I know not what they are since Sassy went off to be an awesome adult in the real world. These are rules that I've invented for Adults. Like, if you're married and your mother-in-law is in your friend list. The rules, while flexible, are also ever-expanding, so feel free to adapt.

1. Block people. The blocking feature is AMAZING. It's basically like a super-invisibility cloak, only for Facebook. If you block someone, they can't search you or see you and even if you comment on someone else or have mutual friends - you don't exist! Block anyone you dated. It's a really good idea. That way, you don't have to explain awkward comments about Cabo to your husband/wife. Especially if you don't remember Cabo, or if you do...
*If you want to wait to block someone until after they see that you lost 10 lbs doing Southbeach, that's *completely* acceptable.

2. Beware the Friend Collectors. Friend Collectors basically friend everyone they ever knew, met or talked to in line at the BMV. Sure, it's tempting to have 400 Facebook friends, but how many of them do you really know? And do you really want that BMV person looking at your entire life? You have to remember, if your friends see your pictures, your friends can see your family - kids, pets, whatever. If you're an open book, no problem-o, but if you're a recluse who likes to do profile pictures of your pet instead, wellll, you might think about not accepting every friend who asks.

3. Don't do the weird Facebook status update commands. Every so often, you'll see your friends doing weird status updates. Example? Once, I was pretty sure my friend T. Jo was pregnant - and that was before 8 am. Unacceptable! Instead, she'd done some weird "take your birth month and the first letter of your name and make a status update to remember breast cancer." Her status update convinced everyone that she might be With Child, and unleashed a crazy text backlash in the Real World. Not to mention I have no idea what breast cancer has to do with that sort of text message.

4. Don't believe every status update that makes grandiose claims. For instance: people will put things about their job, their degree, the Guinness Book of World Records. Whatever. Use Snopes, please? It makes me crazy. For instance: I've seen a lot of friends claim that Guinness ranked their degree program, whatever it is, as the 'hardest' in the world. Naturally, I looked into this. Guinness doesn't rank degree programs. English majors might not have the 'hardest' degree, but we do *research* bitches. True 'dat.

5. Remember that your boss or future boss might check out your page. Go private, and keep that picture of you, your new bikini and the Corona off your profile pic. Unless you don't care, or you look super hot. Everyone knows that hotness trumps professionalism.

6. Avoid the Cause Heads. Since Facebook is a forum (sort of) and people put whatever they want, from what they ate for breakfast to how they feel about the environment, you'll probably run into Cause Heads. A few cause updates are fine, but when you end up reading about the Evil Conspiracy Through Radio Waves and they want you to grab your tin foil, you might revisit the rules about the Block List.

7. If your spouse gets all hot and bothered about who is on your friend list, make sure you listen. I've known several couples who have had issues because of Facebook, and I read an article (once)(somewhere) about how it's becoming An Issue for married people. I have no real advice here other than to watch yourself. Facebook isn't worth a hefty divorce cost. See Rule 1. Block-age.

*End, or, Fin*

I didn't conclude my Adult Rules for Effective Facebooking, but you get the basic idea. I'm VERY helpful like that. And now, I'm off to look up various layout schemes etc etc because I'm toying with the idea of revamping ETGJ . Don't cry chickadees, it will *always* be me contributing my Brilliant Word Art to the world. Or trying not to mangle basic English sentence structure.

Comments, questions, do you have Facebook rules?