Friday, September 7, 2012

Is My Refridgerator Running, Because I Need to Catch it!

Welcome back to the land of jell-o and antifreeze, Loving Readers from Latvia! Here in the good ol' US of A, we had a three-day weekend, which I highly recommend. Then again, if you're reading this is Paris (or elsewhere in France) you have lots of fun days off and you shake your baguettes at me in disdain. Why a baguette? Why NOT.

Today began, as all epic days here at La Maison de Sammo with random stupid things happening at once. Things like: Death Cramps, ASSma flareups and my fridge breaking in a very untimely way. Thusly, I am out a fridge and likely to make *stellar* decisions because I'm codeine-ated. If my doctor has her way, I'll also be steroid-inated - and not the kind that makes my triceps shine with definition.

But before I have to dash off so someone with a math-ier education than I have can listen to my wheezing lungs, I needed to give you Readers out there the Brilliant Word Art to which I am sure you've become accustomed.

So gather 'round, pretend you're also rocking out to Halestorm on your computer, and enjoy...

Although not a particularly auspicious beginning today, I have some pretty righteous things going on that I'd like to appreciate so the Universe will stop kicking me in the teeth with my own bad karma. Appreciation goes a long way to soothing the Universe's karmic paybacks. I think.

1. My new car, the Cherry Bomb (aka Tom Cruze) has blue tooth stuff. Basically when someone calls me now, Tom Cruze will turn off Octane's Adelita's Way song and ask if I want to answer. Then, I will get to talk to whomever called me through the speakers! It's so much fun. It's much better than trying to answer my *actual* blue tooth and accidentally hanging up because I was swatting at a tiny beetle flying from the roof of the Crappy American SUV. Seriously, we had a tiny beetle infestation in that car once - Casanova had hidden some food under his seat. AWESOME. Cherry Bomb has no beetles, nor hidden food, but she DOES have a blue tooth! And Sirius radio, but that is pretty much one of my marital demands. I make HIM dinner, he pays for my sat radio.

2. Multiple possible jobs! I KNOW, right? It's clear to YOU people that I am a barely tapped natural resource of brilliance and verbal gifts, but as hard as it is to believe, I haven't been hired yet. Mainly because I can't do a resume like I WANT to, I have to follow *rules*. I have to say stuff like "edited a nationally-distributed catalog" instead of "full of undiluted AWESOME 24/7" - what would you rather read? Exactly. But rules are rules and blah blah blah. I had (count 'em) three interviews with one company, before I got the kiss o' death email, and the little chicky poo told me that she'd "been directed" (to use passive voice, apparently) to hire someone with a scientific background. Oh, I'm sorry, did my ENGLISH degree confuse you? It was (honestly) okay though because their publication was SO intensely boring, and the people were so boring that I was relieved to not have to fake it. I'm not good at hiding my real feelings. Or at being responsible for being 100% of the coolness of your company. I mean, shouldn't at least one other person have something of interest to say? I had such a lack of impression from them that, should I trip over one of them in WalMart tomorrow, I wouldn't recognize 'em. But it was still a downer - mainly because I can edit the holy SHIT out of pretty much anything and then some - so to lose out to a dirty BS background? OUCH. But I've been bombarded this week with opportunities! They're also all freelance = from home so I can drink polar pops and get my nails did in between projects. I can also work on my book that has no plot. I'm closer every day, Friends. Fear not. Someday you'll see Your Favorite Writer in a Barnes and Noble...probably because I'm shopping, but hey. Whatever.

3. The Children of the Corn are (currently knocking on wood) hale and healthy and...what the hell does hale mean anyway? Sturdy? Oh. Healthy. So basically I was uber redundant just now. Ah well, the things we learn in the quest for literary greatness. Aaanyway... The kids are finally not needing me to lug the Nebulizer 5000 up and down the stairs and/or slather them in lung-soothing prednisone. Now *I* am on da' prednisone, but I digress.

4. Yay Fall! Although it's still a sweltering 80+ degrees here in The Hearland, along with the 99% humidity, fall is juuuust around the corner. I know that because it's September - or as I like to call it, the month with Multiple Personality Disorder. While I'm rocking short-shorts one day and a tank top, the next day I'll be all WHERE are mah jeans and why did the dryer shrink them again?! It's all just a lovely precursor to Octooooooberrrr! (I hope you read that like Oprah was saying it.) What's October mean, Diligent Cabal of European Readers? That's right! Halloween = Your Favorite Writer's favoritest holiday ever!

Disclaimer: If anyone thinking of hiring me has somehow horribly and accidentally stumbled onto this blog, I write in conversational blog-stylized English and am highly and painfully aware that "favoritest" is not, in fact, a word. I typically use grammatical "errors" in a witty and self-effacing manner. This ends our disclaimer.

I'd like to think of other things for which I am grateful, but you see, Readers, my left contact is trying vainly to blind me this morning, Princess woke me up at 5 a.m. and proceeded to test my boundaries (as the parenting people say) and I actually began this blog on Tuesday but was sidelined by a Nuclear Migraine that tried to kill me.

I'm such a champ though that I finished up this post before I plan to work out (maybe) and before the nice delivery people get here to drop off my shiny and ridiculous new fridge. It's fine though because The Man fixed our old one - AFTER we bought a new one. Perfect.

Stay tuned for more excitement! Next time - why you're totally fine, even if you're abducted and shoved in the trunk of Tom Cruze.

Comments, questions, for what have you given thanks lately?