Monday, July 2, 2012

It's a Depressing Jungle Out There

I'm not going to lie, Friends in Latvia, but I really *thought* I'd find a job (or at least some interviews) fairly quickly once I started sending out my resume and applying for work. I have no idea what was responsible for this illogical optimism, but hope in a bucket? I had it.

Now? Not so much.

I swear, I've applied for jobs that read like this:

Must be named Sam.
Should possess a super useless English degree.
Should be 5'5" and brunette.
Must have a love for foreign sports-cars while driving a Crappy American SUV.
Writing a long-standing blog about nothing preferred.

Seriously. And I STILL don't get an interview. The only thing I've gotten was someone who emailed me and when I didn't respond, called me about a customer service job a billion miles away from where I live. It wasn't anything I applied for, and I wonder if this person even read my resume, but whatever. Yay! A job stalker!

How do you spell "depressing," kids? J-O-B  S-E-A-R-C-H.

I'm getting to the point of "why the hell NOT?" in this thing. Last week, I pointed out some errors in the ad that requested an editor. I didn't get a call. Well, you know what, DEAL with your shitty errors then, bitches! Note to self: don't reply to job listings while in the Zombie PMS window. Duly noted.

I am contemplating substitute teaching because the hours would work great with the kids' school schedules, but it sure isn't my dream job. As I told The Man yesterday, if I wanted to be an ed teacher, I would have been an ed major and gotten an ed degree. Write this down, Friends in Russia: an English degree does NOT NOT NOT mean we want to teach. It means we're probably planning to go to some form of grad school unless we burn out and begin contemplating diabolical homicide if we have to write one more paper. Guess what happened to Your Favorite Writer! That's right. How do you spell "burn out," kids? S-E-N-I-O-R  Y-E-A-R.

I can't regret it though, because it would have been a colossal FAIL had I tried to go straight to grad or law school after I got my undergrad, and yet... I wish I HAD the advanced degree NOW. SIGH. Tell me "it's not too late" and watch me bang my head on my formal dining room table! (The mere thought of studying for tests with the Children of the Corn running 'round this place makes me want to stick a sharpened number 2 pencil in my eye.)

So *other* than contemplating my future with fear and confusion, what do I have planned today, you ask? Well, I'm going to get wild in here and maybe hang up my shirts, or check eBay for delivery times on my not-one-but-two swimsuits I bought. I KNOW, I'm taking chances here people! Sure, they're shipping from China and probably coated in cancer-causing dye, but they look CUTE. If they don't work, I have my eye on some Ed Hardy suits with adorable metal detail. Later, I'll talk to my BFFIC and compare weekend notes.

I read The Help on my e-reader and it was awesome. The movie was really good, but of course the book was better. It soothed my soul a little when I read the last few pages about the author - SHE had a degree in English. I'd better get crackin' - those movie deals for the best-seller book I write aren't going to write themselves.

Until I come up with a plot, I'll be lurking on CareerBuilder.

Comments, questions, how did you get hired?