Thursday, May 17, 2012

I Get an F in "Being a Hippy"

For all of you readers out there who did NOT grow up with me in sunny Southern Indiana, I grew up in a university town. Read as: so liberal, you throw an organic date and you'll hit a barefoot hippy. Who has a better degree than you do.

I used to be vegetarian, and read that as: I get weepy at the Sarah McLachlan animal commercial AND I'm a repeat "Whale Wars" watcher. I love animals. I also love the local Brazilian steakhouse. Quite the conundrum, no?

I have friends who eat all organic (if not all-vegetarian), all the time, and recently a friend referred to the blue-packeted powder I dumped in my tea as "cancer packets." DEElicious powdered tumors, I say! Basically, much like housewife-ing, I'm really, really ineffective at being a hippy. I like mass-produced cosmetics and deodorant and fancy jewelry and high-heeled shoes and no-calorie sweetener and Coffee Mate, dammit! I also forget to be vegetarian at, say, Brazilian steakhouses. I rescued enough stray animals in college to qualify for some sort of Honorary Hippy Badge, clearly.

I'm just not good at the dietary things. I eat okay, mainly because I'm too lazy to eat more than I do. I don't do chips much; my guilty pleasure is popcorn with hot, melted butter. (REAL butter, and sorry vegans, I will never break up with butter no matter HOW sad the cows are who provide it. I'm like Charleton Heston....only about butter.) I don't eat a lot of junk, and I live on salads. I just get annoyed when I have to buy EVERYthing all organic and then there are hormones in food to consider and then I have to worry about having MORE PMS than I already do and that, friends, is bullshit.

Today, after talking with my BFFIC, I shlupped off across town (during lunch hour I might add) to the Hippy Grocery and I was excited to find hormone-free milk. Yay! No extra PMS! No weird girl tantrums by The Man! I felt VERY hippy because I happened to have re-usable bags. Isn't that nice of me? Yes.

I wandered past ladies in very comfortable sandals and tried to take part in perusing ingredients, but really, I was just trying to get stuff that was cheap. If it cost three times as much as stuff at my Awesome Military Grocery, I wasn't buying. I don't need granola made out of real gold dust, thanks. Nor do I need weird grains that I only hear about on Dr. Oz. Well, maybe I DO need them, but I won't BUY them. And why *IS* quinoa SOOO expensive?! Is it grown alongside saffron, for the love...?! For the record, quinoa is also cheaper at my Awesome Military Grocery.

Annnyway, I bought two gallons of milk. Milk that had a little twinkly-star logo that proudly proclaimed: "This distributor promises not to use artificial hormones" - well, dandy. No extra-PMS. Win! It was only .30 more expensive than my regular milk, so that wasn't too bad. I mean, a lot of the other stuff was RIDIculously more expensive. (I don't care how magical your cheese is, I'm not paying $5 a block for it. I'm not. I won't do it. You can't make me. Take that cheddar and shove it.)

Long and pointless story short, I got some things and drove all the way back home. I now had a lot of milk. I had to move my old milk out of the way for my new-and-improved milk. But wait, what's this...?? Oh. I see. My OLD milk also has the twinkly star logo about no-hormones. Oh. Well then. I had been drinking *perfectly fine no-added-PMS milk ALL ALONG.* For .30 cheaper without the scenic drive into Traffic City.

I didn't even have to battle friendly hippies to do it, either! I only have to battle disgruntled octogenarians. (Their carts may be slow, but they're fiesty.)

I decided to chalk the whole thing up to experience, and I DID enjoy the organic bruchetta, not to mention the 3-layer hummus. You can't go wrong with hummus. Does that qualify me for hippy? No?
How about my pervasive love of all things Pink Floyd? My cell phone wakes me up every single day to the tune of Comfortably Numb. Hmmmm?

Alright. Well. I'm fine failing hippy, so long as I pass awesome.

Comments, questions, are you all organic?