Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Counters Suck, or, Your Favorite Writer Plans a Lawsuit

Well it's a long, arduous and painfully boring story (much like Moby Dick) and unlike Moby Dick, it does NOT involve me hunting albino whales. It DOES involve my ugly, unfinished beige-orange countertops.

They are ugly. They are unfinished. They are beige-orange.

I've had a second opinion (because they're not just for medical mysteries) and it would cost us as much to try and FIX this mess as it would to have new ones crafted. Or we could pay half that and get laminate made. Guess what we chose!

Yeahhhhh. I tore out ugly laminate to replace it with more attractive....laminate. If you see my kitchen, I will lie to you and pretend it's granite or quartz or diamond. WHATever. If you refer to this blog, I will still lie. If you persist, I will possibly bludgeon you with my scrubber brush.


Things happen when I'm not happy. Like lawsuits! You all know that I was a good test score and some motivation away from law school back in the early golden part of the decade. Instead I had kids and started my reign as Queen of Domestic Drill Sergeants.

I DO, however, know how to rock a small claims, um, claim. Why, while I was a wee spry 20-something, I sued a former employer and won, with damages on top. I'm sure I spent it all on long-island pitchers, Express pants and gourmet bagels. I digress...


The contractor we fired said that he would help us remove the ugly stuff and also help The Man with our backyard retention wall. (The retention wall would cost us easily what we paid for the counters.) I doubt this will happen. I've already started compiling pictures, receipts and dates, because really? I have the time. And the inclination. And the wicked ability to use full sentences...but ONLY if I WANT to.

It's been a time of sadness, Friends. My oven is in the middle of my kitchen, I have about two inches of splinter-y plywood sticking out from under my ugly orange counter, and my sink is precariously balanced in the sink-hole, but not sealed, so any water I spill goes into the cabinets. My can opener is on a folding table. I'm not happy.

I wander into the kitchen, throw up my hands, yell something about vengeance and torts, and stomp off to change the cat litter.

It's annoying.

I don't even know what a TORT is.

Add an 'e' and I think it's a confection. I could be wrong. Law school and culinary school are two things I didn't do.

Rest assured, next time, I will jazz it up and maybe even answer the question: "why is George Takaei on Super Ninjas?" Wasn't Celebrity Apprentice enough? (Sidenote: C.A. is the most amazing show on television. Until April, and then I will focus the laser beam of my mental acuity on Game of Thrones.)

Comments, questions, how does your kitchen look?