Sunday, February 19, 2012

Why I've Been AWOL for the last month...

Dearest Random Readers and/or Google-searches-gone-awry from the Russian (and/or Klingon) Federation:

I have no idea how I managed to go from posting Brilliant Word Art once a day, to once a week to once a month (if that)! Honestly, it's not like I've been finishing up my laundry because THAT dream still remains painfully out of reach. I did help The Man and paint my bedroom a stunningly gorgeous perfect taupe shade that both soothes and invigorates. And yet...

I still should have time for my writing, right???

One would think. Then again, one would also think that I might finish up my laundry - what with all the time I have to vacuum and/or peruse the internet for fetching duvet covers. One would be wrong - I end up, nearly every day, looking at the clock and thinking DAMMIT! I have to pick up Princess; which then means I run around, throwing blinky-light shoes at Casanova and grabbing my e-reader and jetting out of the driveway in the Crappy American SUV.

Car line = bane of my existence.

So, all I can do is remedy the wrong, work on my Brilliant Word Art as much as I can, and regale you with the adventures and misadventures of my life. At least until Game of Thrones starts on April 1. (Note to self: remember to order HBO next month.)(If you haven't read the book series, get thee to a bookstore or Amazon posthaste! Best books I've ever read in the history of my entire book-reading life - and GIRRRRL, I've read some books.)(The HBO series is pretty badass, but I recommend the books first, lest you face some nasty shocks in cinematic form, like The Man - then I had to hold his hand and tell him it would all be okay, which really? Not exactly. Depends on which characters you're rooting for. Aaanyway....)

So what's new in Mah Life? Well. Sassy is getting married this spring, so I'm all Stepmother-of-the-Bride and mother of the world's most adorable ring-bearer and flower girl. That's right, all three of my kiddos are going to be dressed up and awesome and making me cry myself into a hot mess this June. Oh, and Princess hates when people look at her, and loathes being the center of ANY attention, so I'm sure chucking flower petals on an aisle as a room full of mostly-strangers going 'awwwww!' should *totally* NOT be traumatizing. Then again, there's Casanova who never met a stage he didn't want to OWN (just like his mommy! ahem.) but he's being a co-ring-bearer with the son of the groom = two five year olds with very important parts of the ceremony on very nice pillows. What could go wrong? Yeah. I know.

The upshot is that Grandma (and multiple other grandparents)(but really it'll be Grandma on deck) will be there and has standing instructions to bag either of my cute little imps if things start to go south.

What you're really all wondering, I know, is what is Your Favorite Writer going to wear! No, that wasn't what you were wondering? Jerks. Anyway, I haven't found my dress yet. Bottom line is picture *stunning* in your mind, and that's what I'm working on. I had planned to run a 5k (stop snickering, Russian Federation) but my shins are cracking like fine china, so off to the Fancy Professional Sports Medicine Doctor I go. The 5k training was supposed to make me all slender and amazing before Sassy's big day. Now I'll have to pedal my way to thin and in shape. SIGH.

Sassy herself is going to be GORGEOUS. That girl could make a tablecloth look lovely, but we went to the bridal shop where I bought *my* dress, and she found a beautiful strapless gown. (Personally I am the anti-strapless because I end up yanking my top up the entire time and totally annoyed.)

So anyhoooo, I've been part of the planning and the purchasing and all that good stuff. At this point, I'm ready for June and getting this show on the road! Or the aisle. Whatever.

I'm also considering changing schools for Princess (and Casanova, who starts KG this fall - which makes my mommy eyes well up with my-baby-is-growing-up tears). We were completely thrilled with her school last year; this year, however, we are NOT thrilled. Bottom line is that it isn't living up to its potential, and my kid isn't thriving anymore. Not cool, especially when we're talking about a kid who used to moan about the weekends because she missed school.

My friend T. Jo also extolled the virtues of having kids ride a school bus. (She also patiently endured a car-line herself before switching schools and now all her boys ride the bus.) "It's like magic," she said. "They just get on the bus, and then they come home on the bus, and you never have to deal with the stupid damned cars in line!" I'll admit, magic school buses sound pretty sweet at this point.

I've had two, not one but TWO crazy altercations already this semester with parents in car line. Why, you ask? Clearly you can see I'm a lovely, balanced woman with only love and joy in my heart? I know, right?! Apparently the other less-balanced parents didn't manage to see that.

I had one guy flip me off, and ask me if I had a problem. He looked like an angry Zach Galifanakis from The Hangover, so I've renamed him Wolfpack. Unfortunately for Wolfpack, he did this during the PMS Danger Week. I told him I was LOOKING at my problem. I told him if he couldn't figure out car line, he should get out of it. Then I threw up my hands and was all "so that's what's up." I think I was a couple seconds from being all Eminem and saying 'if you're feeling froggish, leap!' But luckily, I remembered I haven't taken any Krav Maga (Israeli street-fighting) operative word YET, so I got back in my car. The Man helpfully asked if I wanted him to come to the parking lot. Um. NO. I do NOT have ten percent of whatever his bail would be.

Then, not even a couple weeks later, I had a large Pentacostal woman with red hair, whom for our purposes we'll call Big Red, come thundering up to my closed window and shout at me until I lowered it. She had stopped and parked her car (no brake lights on), and I thought she was with the neighboring storage unit, so I went around her. Maybe it was HER PMS Danger Week. Or maybe she was angry that she had to wear a jean skirt and it was cold. I don't know. I tried to apologize but she couldn't hear me over her frothing and raging. Finally I gave up, and rolled the window back up while she was talking. She didn't care for that, and stomped back to her car. Since it wasn't MY PMS Danger Week, I shrugged and turned on some Avenged Sevenfold because it soothes me.

The car line woes are honestly the least of my concerns with Princess's school, but the weirdest, at least.

There's more, I'm sure, but The Man just woke up and is grumbling that we'll be late for church (although I get myself and two kids ready in the time it takes him to get his little fancy self ready). I do have to create a messy bun though, so I should get to it.

I'll be back sooner than a month, so fear not, Random Googlers. Or you can yell at my car window.

Comments, questions, what's new with YOU???