Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Moonshine! Not Just for Prohibition Anymore, or, Just. Wow.

Last night, facing a dearth of dvr'd Dr. Phil's, we were forced to actually LOOK for something on tv to watch. I know, I cried a little too.

We found something. Something that made me grab The Man's remote-hand (hand holding the remote, and not some sort of bionic hand, although honestly that would be pretty sweet. Especially if his bionic hand were equipped with a Death Ray. (His real hand is now equipped with a 9 millimeter. Just like Dr. Dre always told me about.) This ends our parenthetical discussion.)

What did I see? Men in denim overalls with no shirts on, firing what appeared to be automatic weapons at detached car hoods. The car hoods had yellow poorly painted targets on them.

CLEARLY I had to see what this was all about.

Guy 1: Yeah, if anyone comes around, they'll start ducking.
Guy 2. Yup.
Guy 1: I mean, if terr'rists come around, who'll do something?
Guy 2: ...
Guy 1: Me!

Then they commenced what looked like some joint smoking, and more gun firing. The Man confirmed that it was some sort of automatic thingy. Just what I want = armed and dangerous, yet very stoned, rednecks.

They went on to explain something about their still and their moonshine production. One guy got all Super Tracker and pointed out a shoe mark that may or may not have been from someone looking for their moonshine operation. It was in a creek though, which contained a lot of moisture, so how reliable could it be? I'll admit, tracking isn't in my skill set. I was stumped.

Here's something else confusing. Who the hell drinks moonshine, and why the hell is it illegal to make it? I'm very confused by this. Is it sort of like absinthe or something? Do people drink it and get all Van Gogh and lop off body parts? I mean, you can brew your own beer at home, and wine and stuff. I know moonshine is hard liquor and I know it's mentioned in an AC/DC song. That's about it.

Hey, if it's good enough for Brian Johnson, isn't it good enough for you? No?

Come to think of it, I bet that these guys are VERY familiar with that song. I can just tell.

I couldn't really follow the rest of the episode because I was really invested in going to sleep, but there was something about a police raid and then the Overalls Brothers lit the still. I think that the cops should have just asked the film crew where the still was - seems like it would be a real time saver, but what do I know about good solid investigation work?

I'm not sure we'll follow up with any other episodes, since Dr. Phil will be back on with his ethically questionable practices any day now, but let's recap what I learned:

* Moonshine is made from corn. I think.

* Our country is founded on moonshine. (I know! I didn't know that either!)

* The most dangerous part is when you light the still.

* Overalls-with-no-shirt don't protect you from mosquitoes in the Tennessee woods.

* There are people who own automatic weapons who shouldn't be allowed to own a slingshot.

* There is a high demand from moonshine.

* Moonshine is also called Mountain Dew. I imagine this could cause a conflict.

* If terr'rists invade Tennessee, watch out. Guys with auto weapons and overalls will take you down.

Since I've done you all such a solid, you won't have to actually watch the show. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to check if my iPod is alive after I got water on it. If it's not, that sound you hear is me raging at the sky.

*UPDATE: The main guy's name was, I shit you not, "Tickle." This made it ALL worth the price of admission, Friends. A grown man nicknamed (or possibly legally named) Tickle. I can't quite wrap my mind around it.

**UPDATE: This all took place in Virginia. Sorry, Tennessee for lumping you in with the 'shiners. Unless you like it, and then, you're welcome.

Comments, questions, do you drink white lightning?