Monday, November 28, 2011

Why The Man is Insane

Every once in awhile, you have to challenge yourself. Set the bar high, aim for the stars, eye of the tiger - all that jazz. If you're me, that means going for Most Facebook Witty Status Updates in One Day or Longest Time Sitting in the Wingback of High Power.

If you're The Man, it means this:

Tough Mudder

(You're welcome, Tough Mudder. Feel free to send my t-shirt, bumper sticker and shot of Cabo directly to The Man.)

If you don't want to sit through the video of a bunch of lunatics running through fire, climbing up ropes and doing half-gainers off 20' platforms into frigid water, allow Your Favorite Writer to explain.

Basically it is thus: if you're tired of running "boring" marathons (as opposed to the super exciting ones I'm always doing. Read always as: never.) then THIS is the event for you!

10-12 miles of horrific obstacles designed by British special forces. Why British special forces? I don't know. I'll ask my own personal Brit, the next time he calls us from Saudi. I bet he would join The Man's team for this thing. They're both crazy.


There is barbed-wire, climb-y things, swim-y things, even electro-shock things because WHAT is an obstacle course designed by British special forces withOUT 10,000 volts?! Exactly.

Am I the only one hearing Bon Scott yelling "hiiiiigh VOLTage!"? Yes?

It is also the perfect thing for The Man. A sick individual.

His favorite part of the military was running obstacle courses for FUN. I read books on sunny lanais for fun. I dance to gay club music for fun. I do NOT get shocked by 10,000 volts for fun. Then again, a taser = great Christmas idea! But dear, it's for your TRAINING. Man up, and stop twitching.

I also think it's time that our snapping-turtle filled dubious-depth pond out back can now do something other than be ornamental. I told The Man he'll have to start his training soon. Why not swim the pond? I know, I'm practically a coach already. A coach for CRAZY town, that is.

But because I'm full of Awesome *and* Brilliance, I support him as I support all of his crazy endeavors. Yet another reason I deserve more tropical vacations and jewelry. Not or, AND.

I also thought about trying this thing. No, really! I did! Sure, what with my general level of fitness being....not really Jillian quality...and the ASSma (forget about my possible-fracture-foot and/or the random stress fractures in my legS and/or the as-yet unhealed calf pull), I'm sure it would be a quick trip to the ER and all. And yet...

I have an inner masochist, which sort of accounts for the above-mentioned injuries. The couch, ladies and gents, is EVER so much safer than trotting around the city with fragile bones-ies in finger-toe shoes. Why, the doctor at the Famous Athlete Sports Medical Place didn't even CARE that I'd been inspired by the book Born to Run! I still keep my Chia seeds in the fridge! They're a super food, Friends. (They apparently do nothing to prevent bone breakage. Damn their eyes.)

Basically, it all boils down to my...issues...with authority. I know, right?! The fastest way to ensure that I will WANT to do something is to tell me that I CAN'T do something. Like running. That doctor only irritated me when he said "there are lots of ways to get cardio without impact! Like swimming! Or biking!" Okayyyy. I hate biking (thanks to the miracle of childbirth, things like biking are NOT as comfortable as they used to be) and the only swimming option I have is my sludge-y winter-y pond out back. Um. No.

Dammit, I want to RUN like the Tarahumara! I do NOT want to peddle my sad recumbent bike to nowhere. Nor do I want to clomp around in my bedazzled broken-foot boot. Damn its eyes.

(For those riveted by my stupid damnable foot condition, I have a re-check tomorrow. Hurrah. Maybe they'll order an MRI - *that* is a fast way to meeting my deductible!)

Aaaanyway. So naturally The Man wants to do this insanely awful obstacle course of doom. That is how he rolls, ladies and gents. I call him Captain America for REASONS, people.

But *I* sort of want to do it. I want to prove that I am in good shape, and I can do anything I want to do, and I can finish a horrible muddy race too! (Even though we really have no evidence that that statement is true, and it pretty much involves everything that is my kryptonite: fire, pain, water, heights, dirty dirty mud and looking unkempt and/or desperately unhappy.) Should I add that it's held in March? In Indiana? And March in Indiana is still pretty much winter. March here usually involves a lot of angry windy sleety stuff that makes me all stabby.

Last night The Man was researching the most recent one of these events that they held here in November. He declared that ANYone could do it if they walked the whole thing and he wants to compete, not just do it while wandering around. Sigh. Yes, a 10 mile 20-obstacle course isn't hard ENOUGH because people aren't dying in the mud as you slog past them! Truly, The Man is crazy. Next thing I know, he'll be plotting a trip to Everest. I am NOT investing in those crazy cold-weather tents.

Newest Update: The Man talked to a friend of his who had already done this Torture Event and said it was really hard, but spoiled by idiots. Sort of like life, really. The Man has decided to reconsider. So have I. I think I'll just huff my way through a nice 5K once my Jillian Michaels broken foot heals. And my broken tibias. And my broken heart, once I have to run in non finger-toe shoes.

So there you have it. Ironman vs. Copperwoman. Or something.

Comments, questions, what impossible thing are YOU training for?