Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Disease is the Cure

Unlike Chris Cornell, I know that the disease is the cure! I've been avoiding writing for, holy crapballs, an entire MONTH (personal best!!!) because I was afraid I'd fall down some writing rabbit hole, where I end up chain smoking and writing for hours and talking to myself. Sort of like Steven King, but without the brilliance and success.

Then I realized I was doing myself a CRAZY HUGE disservice, as well as all you people from the Russian Federation who wander here after you searched "tranny hair." Do S'vedanya! The only other Russian phrase I know would probably get me knee-capped.

Sure, sometimes I get compulsive about writing. I also get compulsive about vacuuming, and you don't see me hanging up my Riccar. THE HORROR.

While I was away, I was busy doing things. Things I shall now list and then expound upon! Lucky, lucky people of the Russian Federation. Which sounds a lot like the planetary group on Star Trek.

The List of Things I Did While I was Away from my Blog:

1. Bought the last-post mentioned Ed Hardy boots. The Man said that they are ridiculous and "loud." So basically, it's like Ed Hardy knew me personally and made me some boots.

2. Went to a bitchin' Halloween party. We learned things, and by we, I mean The Man. Things like the fact that taller shot glasses indicate more booze. The Man was my designated, so he was FINE. Your Favorite Writer, who forgot to eat dinner, ended the evening trying to Riverdance in my neighbor's driveway. Kids, this is why adults shouldn't drink mixed drinks made by people who don't know that tall shot glasses are called 'doubles' for a REASON. I also heard the Hooty Owl of Doom and spent a few hours convinced he was hootin' for me. But we were a pretty sweet cop-costume couple. I see a future in law enforcement for The Man! And absolutely NO Riverdance future for me.

3. Celebrated another birthday. Woo! I turned 33, which makes me slightly sad since I'm permanently 17 in mah head. Alas, 17-year-old-Sammo did NOT hit the weight room, nor did she score a hella-sweet pair of Seven jeans on sale that look ROCKING since she lost weight in the weight room. 33 and kickin' it people. Kickin' it HARD. The Man also bought me jewelry. I've said it for years, if in doubt, buy me jewelry. He's smart, even if he was confused on shot glass measurements.

4. Celebrated a kid birthday. November is a busy month here, Readers. My birthday, Princess's birthday AND Casanova's birthday. Seriously. Two Scorpios (yowza!) and a mellow Sagittarius. Princess's came first, and after a minor meltdown during putt-putt, all was right with the world. Mainly because she hit the jackpot and won over 1,000 tickets from some spinner game machine. It was like Vegas for the under 10 set.

5. Signed Princess up for after-school Art Club. She loves doing anything artistic. When she sets the world on fire with her talent, I'll be happy to accept a house in repayment.

6. Declared war on the Fine Nazis at my public library. I was so excited because my mom got me an e-reader for my birthday! Whee! Free books! And then the library refused to let me download because I had fines. Sure, I could pay them. Then the fascists win! Should I be fined for NOT picking up a book, I ask you?! The book is already THERE. It's not like they have to do anything, other than stick it back on a shelf. Ohhhh, I could go on. Down with the fascists! Thanks to them, I've been boning up on my classic literature. It's free through my e-reader's site. I'm getting my Hawthorne on, which really, is fine since I like him quite a bit. Maybe I'll challenge myself with some depressing old Russian lit. Shout out to the Russian Federation!

7. Watched a lot of Dr. Phil. I'm not sure why, but The Man and I have developed a semi-concerning habit of watching dvr'd Dr. Phil when our tv shows are preempted by horrific things like the CMA awards. Can't they stay on CMT like they belong?! I'm not sure we're learning anything, other than Dr. Phil employs some questionable methods. Mental note: ask my counselor if he's using legit strategy.

8. Helped The Man get our lighting and blinds hung. By helped, I mean I danced around to music while sweeping the kitchen.

9. Bedazzled my walking boot. The doctor thinks I might have a stress fracture. I think he's wrong. I also think that my boot looks 500 times better with glittery diamond-esque rhinestones hot glue-gunned to it. Yes, I really really did that.

10. Partied like a rockstar with my ever-present best imaginary friend, Anxiety. Apparently, much like extra belly fat, anxiety can't be wished away. Unlike extra belly fat, you can't diet it away or work it out away either. It's really, REALLY annoying. I am working on it. Working on accepting it, and working on making it go back into its hole, even if it's only in my head. Head like a hole. AWESOME. I will get out my mental hot glue-gun and bedazzle that shit and make it SHINE like a disco ball. Or whatever my counselor tells me to do. Because she's better than Dr. Phil.

Well that about sums up our sad month apart, Russian Federation. I plan on writing sooner than a month from now, so go ahead and crack open that bottle of Stoli, Christmas just came early!

Comments, Questions, what have YOU been doing?

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