Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Well This Was Obvious

I'd been debating what to write about, and given that I have three or four unfinished posts, nothing was really speaking to me. So I thought about it as I Mastered the Walk with our dorky new mastiff and it came to me.

Severed turkey feet! **

Of course. How could I be so blind?!

I'll warn you, the following post is gross and possibly offensive, much like my brilliant Word Art. Read on, if you dare.

A month or so ago, my neighbor called me and told me that someone had left cut- off turkey feet in someone's driveway at the front of our neighborhood. The turkey feet had also been covered in "satanic markings" - however one does that.

I had no idea how to respond to this conversation. Turkey feet just lying around someone's driveway? Turkey feet covered in satanic markings? That sounded like stupid teenage stuff. I mean, if stupid teenagers were dismembering poor turkeys for their feet. Stupid teenage stuff must have changed a lot since I was a stupid teenager. We did a lot of things, some of them involving Sharpie markers and fake tattoos, but none of them involved cutting off animal feet. We had standards.

By the time I took my evening walk with my dawg, the turkey feet were gone. The house belonged to an older couple who happened to be on vacation. How would you like that call while you were trying to enjoy a nice dinner on the lanai? "By the way Bob, we got your mail, oh and we threw the rotting severed turkey feet into the trash and called the cops. How's your ahi tuna?" Luckily, the couple's daughter lives in the neighborhood and walked down to pick them up and put them in the trash.

The mystery continued, as every few days, new turkey feet (complete with markings) would appear. I thought I saw some lying in the driveway as I drove by once, but managed to avoid a close-up...until one fateful morning walk.

There I was, minding my own business and thinking about where I could get some new glitter nail-polish (answer: Sally's Beauty Supply, where I ALSO found a home airbrush tan system.) when I realized my dog was trying to eat something. Oh hell no.

Oh yes.

Severed turkey feet! With markings! And...painted claws!


I draw the line at having my dog chew on severed animal feet, so I used my Pack Leader Energy (and the prong collar) and we stopped just short of reaching the offensive feet.

Seriously. Bloody hell.

Naturally, I was pretty discombobulated. A bit kerfuffled. It's not every day that my morning dog walk has me tripping over severed animal parts.

Someone had painted on them. Pentagrams, naturally. This is the part I'll skip over my PowerPoint presentation and direct you to read the first few chapters of The Davinci Code. He does a very competent job of explaining the actual meaning of the pentagram.

It's NOT satanic. It's NOT evil. It's just...well, read the book. I don't have TIME here, people.

But to the average bear, I'm sure that finding something with pentagram drawings would be disconcerting. I was more upset that they were severed animal body parts, and that the claws were painted.

Because I'm me, I wondered if the claw painting had been prior to the severing. I really REALLY hope that the severing was done after the poor turkey/s was/were already gone to the barnyard in da' sky.

And once again, WHO does that and where in the ever-loving hell do you FIND turkey feet? Where do you even find turkeys?!

The neighborhood abounded with theories. Some people thought that maybe the older couple had made enemies, or had some sort of bizarre behind-closed-doors practices. Well yes, most retirees think of canasta, afternoon mojitos and ritual sacrifice, am I right?

I belong to the contingent believing Stupid Teenagers to be the perpetrators. I also belong to my own contingent who took a lot of C Jus. classes and know that most satanic cults aren't, um, REAL. Again = stupid teenagers.

Since I pretty much invented goth (1996)(accidentally), I'm not really worried about pale kids, leather, piercings, tattoos, and/or the musical styling of Avenged Sevenfold. Usually I reserve my fear for rabid Justin Bieber fans, angry religious people, and/or tax time. Boys with eyeliner, not so much full of the scary for Your Favorite Writer.

The idea that Stupid Teenagers might be holding seances or playing with a Ouija board doesn't bother me. The idea that Stupid Teenagers are harassing innocent turkeys? And old people? THAT bothers me.

Since it would be weird and probably counterproductive for me to hang out at the old couple's house, hiding in the bushes on a Friday night, I'll probably just wait to see if they manage to catch the violators themselves. The only thing our local po-lice catch are speeders by the elementary school, so we'll have to wait and see if they are captured on candid camera. Smile! You and your turkey foot severing harassment are over!

I'll keep you posted. Meanwhile, aren't you jealous YOUR neighborhood doesn't have this sort of thing going on? Yeah, I wouldn't be either.

**I would have taken pictures, but I didn't have my cellphone with me. Maybe next time.

Comments, questions, what sort of weirdness do you have in your 'hood?