Friday, July 1, 2011

Maternity Chic Geek

So kids these days, am I right? They think Katy Perry makes acceptable music, they don't know how to get a decent fake ID* and they embrace Faux Maternity Wear.

What is faux-maternity or "materNOTy", you ask? Allow me to show you:

See, it's all asymmetrical at the bottom, and scoop-necked at the top and it doesn't squinch in on your tiny little teenage belly, but ask anyone over 30 and we're all "soooo, what trimester are you?" because, um, it's BABY-belly clothing.

I got confused the last time I went shopping, and I was distracted by the cute yellow pattern and plunge neckline and sure 'nuff, soon as I got home and actually tried to WEAR the thing, I was all "WOW, haven't seen *this* look in awhiiiiile!" Then, I kept flashing myself to remind myself that my belly does NOT have anyone on board. I wondered if it were acceptable to flash strangers in a similar way, just to make sure no one ELSE thought I was pregg-ly.

Sure, I could have changed, but I'd already coordinated my jewelry - an arduous task - and it's Vicodin Friday so I can't stand anything touching my water-retaining midsection. Sadly, I was stuck with my yellow materNOTy wear. Maybe I could throw people off by wearing fitted shorter-shorts and heeled sandals! Yeah! As I caught sight of myself in the grocery window, all was lost - I was a very coordinated MOMMY wearing MOMMY BELLY clothing.


Plus? When you're 17, most people will assume you're not knocked up, but when you're a graceful (and stunning) 32, dragging two fightin' Irish hoodlums around with you, it's hard to pass off your trendy top as NOT maternity, even if it's really not. The sadness, it overwhelms.

See, when *I* was 17, grunge was still king, Stone Temple Pilots still played on the regular pop channels and I cut a lot of my clothing in half to further display my awesome NOT-pregnant-ness. Kids these days and their covering up. What is the world coming to?

In the plus column, the vicodin may be kicking in, so hopefully I'll be able to uncurl from my desk chair, take the bullet out of my teeth and won't give a tinker's damn what my yellow materNOTy shirt looks like.

*(Hint: When I was young and sprightly, you just needed a willing friend and some of their mail to get a fake ID at the actual BMV. Then it was a REAL ID. Sure, it took some ballz, but you could do it. Nowadays, what with fancy digital picturing, try that and you'll probably be meeting Officer Not-so-Friendly. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

Comments, questions, what do you think about faux maternity style?