Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I am So Thrilled!

Granted, Friends, I'm still trapped in the 'it's getting hot in HERRR' upstairs computer nook, but as I checked in with my stat counter today, I was THRILLED. Happy as a clam, although why anyone ever would associate a clam with happiness is beyond me. (Bottom feeding, creepy shellfish thing that looks like oozy snot.)(You're welcome.)

I was thrilled because, as usual, my stat counter and its magical wizardry showed me the searches that led some (possibly inebriated) souls to fall down the Internet Rabbit Hole and land in mah Jello land. Welcome, welcome crazy searchers! Here, you can do all the dirty body shots you like and hang out listening to some vintage Floyd. Or Lady Gaga. Whatever.

Here is but a brief sampler of AWESOME:

"the blame stage": I can only assume that this is a relationship search. Although I'm not Dr. Phil (who isn't a doctor either, frankly)(look it up) allow me to *assist*. The "blame stage" is pretty much what most fluffy, happy relationships devolve to at some point. This is when that person, who looked pretty amazing just a few short days/months/years ago, starts to suck and you have to make sure that THEY know that YOU know that THEY suck. Or did something suck-ish. Hence the blaming. I'm VERY good at not only the blaming, but the explanation of the deserving OF the blame. Seriously. I sort of got my degree in verbal smackdown, so if you're stuck, give a call.

"nervous breakdown dont rememember (sic)": First off, I'm *SO* glad that people suffering from either anxiety and/or amnesia can find my place of Brilliant Word Art. I don't know if they had an attack, or suspect they did, or don't remember what it is they're suspecting they did or didn't do because they can't remember. No matter what, it's an issue, am I right? I haven't had the BIG ONE yet, but it could happen any day now, and supposing I *do* go on some crazy emotional bender, I'd probably prefer to forget about it too. (Unless I end up in some institution all "WHYYY am I HERRRR" and then get all sad about mah meds and mah jello.)I'll go ahead and be all Magnanimous Bone and ignore the tragic misspellings. Anxiety can do wonky things with your keyboarding skillz.

"movie when a guy goes to rome to be an exorcist": Kind of a long search phrase, but finally my Weekend Movie Reviews are useful. Hurrah! And I hope they learned all about finding that ever important (say it with me kids) Jesuit for when you become all possessed by evil demonic forces. Jesuits! Hurrah!

"MAN WINDS OF CHANGE (MASTER) LTD": Okay, this one I suspect is some sort of art-house music that I'd never EVER listen to. It's just a guess. The *only* winds of change that I'm familiar with is that old school 80's Scorpions song, and their hella-sick video involving lots of swaying and candles. You remember, no? No. Oh well, this search landed some very, very confused person here. Here, you will NOT find art-house music. Or really any art other than Brilliant Word Art, which of course, is priceless. And never limited.

"zombie and robots": Well. Naturally. Anyone worrying about either of those two came to the right place. I'm totally freaked out by both, and spend WAY too much time plotting epic "just in case" scenarios. I hope I've given you some insight, whomever you are, worried zombie robot searcher.

And my favorite BY FAR:

"Buspirone and crystal meth": See, Buspirone is the fancy technical (whatever) term for my Semi-steady boyfriend, Buspar. It's what conscientious doctors give you for anxiety when they don't want to Come off the Goods. So basically, it works about as well as a handful of Skittles and some crossed fingers, but in theory, it's actually medication. As for the crystal meth, I'm betting that if you're combining the search terms, you *might* be causing your own issues. Crystal meth = not relaxed and I'm pretty sure you need more than Buspar (aka crossed fingers/Skittles) to come down off THAT particular cloud. (True story: I once knew a guy (friend of a friend) who had stayed up for three days on meth, and by the time we stopped by, he had built himself a friend out of vacuum cleaner attachments and a large three-wick candle. They were playing poker.) Might I recommend another search, Dear Reader? Rehab. With love. (Rehab has great food, therapy AND special alone time with all your innermost problems! WIN!)

That's all the wacky search antics I have time for, given the Casey Anthony trial verdict has fired up my latent criminal-justice-minor-degree-concentration skills and I'm all on fire with Facebook status updates. Is it too late to apply for the LSAT? No?

Comments, questions, keep the searches coming!