Friday, June 17, 2011

This is the Post that (may) Ruin/s my Immortal Soul

So this is the week that The Man teaches the Children of the Corn's VBS (vacation Bible school) class. I was all YAY!!! and walking around the house in my sport-bra singing Spongebob's "best day ever" all week - mainly because they ALL were GONE.


But then tonight, my Friday movie-popcorn-pina colada night of all things, I have to go and watch some sort of VBS activity. It's *not* that I don't like VBS week (I mentioned the Mommy-home-alone part right?) it's just that my kids have already actively refused to participate in the singing and dancing (whose kids ARE they?!) *during* the week so I really don't want to give up my movie-popcorn-pina colada night just to stare at my uncooperative children sitting a few pews up. Booooooring!

Last year, Princess learned a song about how Jesus is better than Barbie, and she vociferously disagreed and I had to Taze her. I couldn't have her embarrassing the family.

This year, both kids have gone, hence the dancing and singing that *I* have done in their absence (why yes, it WAS me pop-and-locking to Kesha that you saw!). Both of them, tragically, have decided that the singing and dancing of VBS week (which is pretty much all of it, except for the part where The Man eats copious amounts of ribs) is not their thang. So. I'm going to Mom Up, take them by their wee precious shoulders in the church lobby and say:

Listen, apples of my eye, Mommy is missing her SWEET blockbuster movie that debuted this week, PLUS my buttery popcorn AND my pina colada with extra rum, so you'd BETTER get up on that stage and perform choreographed moves about how much you love the Lord. Amen.

Then, once I'm done twitching from the lightning bolt, I'll go take my seat.

Seriously. No singing and dancing. Whose kids ARE they?! I blame The Man. He won't dance unless there is a LOT of tequila involved and I'm not supposed to give the kids anymore.

You can't blame me. I passed on my Supremely Gifted Performer genes as best I could. Wish us all luck. And maybe I can slip my colada in a sippy cup or something.

*Update 1: There wasn't any stage dancing, because they're saving that for this Sunday. My kids are still loudly refusing to get on stage. Who ARE you little PEOPLE?! I see a stage and I immediately want to launch into a one-woman monologue show.

*Update 2: The audience had to do call/response type things. I'm not good at those. Mainly because I feel weird shouting things unless I'm at a Colts game.

*Update 3: Pretty sure the lady in front of my didn't have *coffee* in that Starbucks cup. She wore her sunglasses the entire time, and I'm now awkwardly aware of her underwear type (bikini) - because of her dancing and cotton dress. I almost told her that Broadripple is the OTHER way. We're in a CHURCH lady. Just sayin'.

*Update 4: Almost got into fisticuffs with a 10 year old who thought he was Eminem. Mommy had to tell Slim Shady to back that truck up, because no one messes with Princess when I'm around. Was uncomfortably aware I was in a church, but seriously, Jesus loves the little children and I'm pretty sure he doesn't love big boys picking on little girls. Amen.

Comments, questions, yes I know my immortal soul might be in danger.