Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Pack Leading Evil Queen

I'm pretty much sucking as World Reigning Favorite Writer, no? I haven't managed my usually compulsive post-once-a-day decree, mainly because I've been too busy reading Cesar Millan's books in hopes that my dog doesn't think I'm a total idiot and so I can stop drafting behind her on our daily walks. The only thing saving me from ending up in the middle of a bush (because of her interest in birds...although they scare her...) is the magic of the prong collar. Oh? And before you hordes of Peta members write to tell me how mean the prong collar is, I suggest *you* read some of Cesar Millan's books. It's a "tool" that I use until the dog respects my "energy." So. Yeah.

The problem with all this is that my energy is about as settled as a twitchy chihuahua who ate some coffee beans. I'm always plotting, thinking, planning and scheming my way through my days. This does NOT = calm energy. WEIRD.

And I'm theoretically *supposed* to be meditating for 30 mins every day, but I can barely remember to BREATHE for 30 minutes every day (thank God that is done by the central nervous system on autopilot, am I right?). Not to mention that it's REALLY hard to figure out how to sync my iPod meditation podcasts. If I don't have a helpful podcast voice reminding me to breathe and stop thinking about Cool Ranch Doritos, I can't meditate very well and/or I fall asleep. I have it on good authority than napping isn't the same thing as meditating, which sucks, because I pretty much OWN napping.

So let's review Your Favorite Writer's personality, shall we? 1. I love napping. 2. I hate getting damp and/or wet. 3. I don't like anyone bossing me around. 4. I'm not so good with dogs. What does this all equal?


CLEARLY I'm a cat. Or a crazy cat lady, or both. Maybe.

Thusfar in my brilliant life, I trained animals (cats) like so:

Hey cat! Here's your litter box, and here's your food. I'm going to go and make a daiquiri, sorry for the blender noise!

Done and done, sir.

Now, I have to be all Buddha and focus on the still image in my mind of a single lotus flower (THAT anecdote is from freshman year, Intro to Eastern Religions) and the dog will sense my inner peace and tranquility and I'll command from a place of serenity and Be the Pack Leader with my authority and serenity.

Uh huh.

But since I'm a cat, I get all neurotic and don't know WHAT to do when she rips my arm off sniffing the street sign pole, or when she refuses to pee EXCEPT when she is on her tie-down, or when she thinks my Obese Housecat wants to play with her (he *emphatically* does NOT wish to play with her). And I'm pretty sure my Neurotic Energy is, um, not Pack Leader material.

I'm ahead of the whole Thinking Your Dog is a Person thing, because I'm WELL aware my dog isn't a person. IF my dog were a hair-covered person, she would KNOW that it is unacceptable to stab my foot with her nails, or eat Casanova's legos and she'd be ever so grateful that I feed her and she'd whip up dinner AND margaritas. So *obviously* she isn't a person. She's a hairy freeloader who scares the cat and ignores me because I'm a crappy pack leader.

But I'm reading the books, I'm READING.

And HE says that if I don't FEEL like the Pack Leader, I should visualize a leader and BECOME that leader. So basically not only am I trying to Master the Walk but I'm also method acting. AWESOME. One of Cesar's clients visualized herself as Cleopatra and that seemed to do the trick for her.

Who do *I* visualize, you ask? And no, it's NOT the lead singer of Metallica.

I imagine myself as Cersei Lannister. Which if you haven't read the series (which I did years ago) at least do yourself a solid and order the series from HBO, okay? Please? Aaanway, Cersei is a mostly evil plotting queen. Lovely to look at, deadly to oppose. GOT it.

Does it always work? No. That's when I prong her, make her sit and then we try again. And today, I must say, we had quite a nice walk. I was proud of myself. I yelled to my multi-dog owning neighbor "I'm mastering the walk! MASTERING!"

I'm also mastering the crazy.

Now, as soon as I figure out how to Master Dog/Cat Relations, I'll be ever so much happier. And still deadly to oppose.

Comments, questions, are YOU the Pack Leader?