Saturday, May 21, 2011

Zombies or Robots, Either Way, I Plan Ahead...

While waiting for my things-that-blow-up required movie last night (The Mechanic, for anyone curious)(lots of blood but little witty banter. I like banter.) I had to sit through a whole bunch of movie previews for things that are my official LEAST favorite type of movie. In no specific order: zombies, angry alien robots and possessed people/children.

I'm pretty sure if you've read my blog more than haphazardly (and what other way to do it!) you'll have noticed I have made total BFF with my anxiety. We're like THIS. Especially when I'm lying awake at 4 am because my obese house cat has decided it's *totally* breakfast and I've locked him in the basement because it's *totally* NOT - and my heart is hammering around for no real reason and I'm not even thinking about anything even remotely stressful except to wonder if the cat has water and what is that rule of 3 anyway? 3 minutes without air, 3 DAYS without water, okay yeah it's days - not hours, so the cat should be FINE even if his water supply is low in the basement right now....

Aaaaand that's why I didn't get back to sleep until almost 5. Yay!

So I try to avoid movies that provoke my anxiety. And movies about zombies, angry alien robots and/or anyone possessed tend to do that. Then I lie awake hearing noises from the basement (which I can't physically hear ANYway)(seriously, The Man could drop his bench bar on his chest and moan around for hours before I'd ever hear it.) and contemplating my Zombie/Robot/Possession Survival Plan.

It usually goes something like this: WalMart to stock up (on whatever)(food, contact solution because honestly, I'll have to make this pair LAST, yo), then the gun store because OBVIOUSLY, then head for the desolate meth-lab filled hollers down south. High ground, lower population, and meth-heads probably aren't organized enough to survive the first wave.

Then again, if it's possession, I'm all about getting a Jesuit up in here, STAT, so I totally wouldn't mess around with something stupid like getting my wiring checked, or trying to figure out if it's REALLY a vengeful spirit, or if the AC is on the fritz. Jesuit, Bible, restraints, Latin, the whole 9 yards.

Either way - I get all wrapped up in my Survival Plan and don't sleep and then I look LIKE a zombie, but without all the brain-gnawing urges. Sort of a win there, really.

And pretty much every movie lately involving possession has involved babies. Such to the point that my friend K. Jo and I will shout (at times randomly) Not the BABY! because threatening infants has suddenly become totally OKAY in movies. Not okay. I won't put up with dogs, especially cats, or even birds...and babies?! Can't we all just agree to leave BABIES alone?! Remember The Hills Have Eyes? I don't. I saw some scene with a creepy zombie thing and a baby in the room and I literally RAN to my bedroom, put on headphones and spent the next 2 hours on eBay, checking for a nice faux leather handbag.

See? Here's my t-shirt that I'll make if I ever make t-shirts:



If it had a back, it would say "Not the BASEMENT!" because basements are generally where bad shit goes down. And I have a basement. Granted it's not full of zombies or angry robot aliens OR anything possessed, and it's not even the house that WAS haunted because, hello, TOTALLY had one of those - but still, it's a basement. And thus not to be trusted. The obese house cat can warn me of any danger. As long as it's not 4 am. And since we're not as wealthy as that couple on Paranormal Activity, we can't just rig the whole house up with cameras - so trusting our very lives to the cat is really very magnanimous of us. You're HONORED, obese house cat.

I only wish he'd been around in our LAST house, which was actually haunted. We lived behind a cemetery. Remember that joke? Well at least the neighbors are quiet? Yeah well, they're NOT. They have relatives who get all sad and drunk and high and play loud music at 3 am and then you have to call the cops just so they don't put anyone ELSE in the cemetery with their driving and all. And that's just the living. The rest of the time it's the wandering dead spirits you have to deal with.

In our house, it was always a woman. It wasn't something we noticed all the time, or even thought about much. It was more like having Sassy's teenage radio randomly come on playing opera, when, um, clearly she'd left it on R&B. And it would come on at 2 am. Or we'd smell cigarette smoke, but nothing was there. Or you'd just hear a voice in a room when no one was in it. True story. I pinky promise. Apparently this even happened to my mom, when she was babysitting one night. She just NOW told me. Awesome. And my mom is about as grounded as you get without being uninteresting.

We had lights that came on with no one near them. And it wasn't just our house. It was our cul de sac. All our very normal and non-wackadoodle neighbors reported similar events. At home, I would just shout, all Sylvia Browne style, "go into the LIGHT! Get out of my KITCHEN!" I'm very helpful to the dearly departed.

But sitting in my non-haunted house, I am still totally freaked out by these things. I realize that the zombie/robot thing is sort of related since they all have that freaky slow-spastic-twitchy walk thing down. But I guess it would give me time to aim. Except some zombies are fast, and that sucks - especially if I haven't stocked up on my contact solution because I highly doubt I'll be an excellent shot in my glasses.

These are the things that keep me up people. You're welcome. Tonight's movie? The Rite. It involves possession. I didn't pick it. DAMN your eyes, The Man. Guess who's going to be checking the basement at 3 am! Not the BABY! Not the BASEMENT!

Comments, questions, what do you watch?

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