Sunday, May 1, 2011

Why Craigslist Makes me Stab-ish

Last week I listed something on Craigslist. I hate listing ANYthing on Craigslist. I used to be afraid of random serial killers....then I saw an entire Dateline dedicated to a Craigslist-ad-related mass homicide. So now, I'm sort of TERRIFIED of Craigslist.

It's not *just* the crazed psychotic murderers either, it's the idiots. For reference, I'm selling a jog stroller/bike trailer.

One person asked me to deliver. It's a Craigslist ad, we're all here because it's cheap and you don't want to drive to Target and pay full price, am I right? Target won't deliver, why the eff do you think *I* will?!

Another person wanted to know how many kids it holds. Why? Are you thinking about transporting a passel of kids like some sort of bizarre parent-pulled rickshaw? Only with kids crammed to the brim? I doubt that the reinforced nylon will carry much of a load, but if you're some Sister-Wives family and you're looking for an alternative to the multi-minivans, well sir, be my guest.

A different email asked if it could disassemble easily, because he/she wanted to fold it up and put it away after usage. To this I reply, if it DID fold down easily, it wouldn't be hanging by a huge hook in my garage, with the wheel sticking out that occasionally I whack my head on. Oh, and since it took me approximately 29 hours and a glue gun to get that thing up and running, I wouldn't want to try to reinvent THAT particular wheel.

My *favorite* though, was that I ran a simultaneous ad on eBay. The stroller sold almost immediately. Hurrah, I thought! No more head-whacking, and it's money in mah pocket that I didn't have. Whee! I emailed the buyer. Oh wait, it was a local pick up only auction? How could that be?! In the text you say, why, right there with ITALICS and stars?! Well they were new to eBay. Yes, and clearly to reading. Because I'm a magnanimous and benevolent ruler, I did refund the money, but not EVERYONE on eBay is so nice.

Last night, after watching a *spectacularly* awful movie (Skyline - horrible, horrible, horrible. And why do aliens always look suspiciously like angry vaginas? Thesis: the patriarchy is attempting to subliminally reinforce fear of female sexual power. You're welcome.) I received a text page. At 11 pm. Was the stroller still available? Jesus, Craigslist stalker, you want to have some decorum?! We aren't DATING. Craigslisters shouldn't be blowing up your phone after 10 pm, am I right? It's a jog stroller/bike trailer - not a life saving defibrillator or something. (And if you're buying defibrillators off Craigslist, well, I'm not even sure what to say. Let's see if there's one for sale.... And? Here you go:

The HeartSine samaritan PAD Public Access Defibrillator (or Automatic External Defibrillator) is an easy-to-use medical device especially designed for public access use, to administer lifesaving treatment for Sudden Cardiac Arrest. No complex displays or controls. A flashing green STATUS light indicates system is operational. The HeartSine samaritan PAD prompts you visually and audibly with clear, calm instructions - starting with "Adult Patient" if equipped for adult Pad-Pak, and "Child Patient" if equipped with pediatric-pak. Other prompts instruct users throughout the rescue process, while reminding users to "call for medical assistance." The system then guides the user through pad application to shock delivery if required. Cash or PayPal with processing fee. Pick up by Noon on March 31st.

Oh Craigslist, you never let me down. Except when you do. Defibrillator, going for only $900 and it even has prompts, you see, like reminding you to call for medical back up. Well frankly, if I'm cracking out the defib to get you going again, I'm pretyyyyyy sure I'd also use ye olde cell phone to get some REAL experts on the scene.

$900 defib machine OR my $65 jog stroller/bike trailer. You pick. Just don't call me after 10 pm.

Comments, questions, do you Craigslist?