Friday, April 15, 2011

How to be a Billionaire!

Really grabbed your attention, didn't I? Maybe you even google searched such a thing, thinking that *I*, your humble and lowly Favorite Writer might have the KEY to your own fortune.

I don't. (Unless it's to advise you to *not* listen to that pop song because it's nothing BUT annoying, and won't help you become a billionaire either.)

I do however, thanks to a man known as Mr. Donald Trump, know how to think like a billionaire. So, I'm pretty much writing my own checks here people. Since I'm not just Your Favorite Writer, but pretty much a Magnanimous Bone all my own, I'll *share* this with you. You won't even have to read the book I lazily leafed through the other day as I earned my first sunburn-of-the-season.

:: Billionaire Thinking ::

* Have a short attention span. Billionaires are SUPER productive and have a lot to do, so clearly you can't spend too much time on one thing. THIS is one that I already had a jump on, Mr. Trump.

* Hire a landscaper. If you don't like manual labor (and who does?!) and it's within reach (it's not) you should hire a landscaper to beautify the grounds around your house or properties. I planted a pear tree from WalMart, does that count?

* Hire an interior decorator.
See above. Again, I own the Wingbacks of Power, so I'm pretty ahead of the curve I think.

* Get a Prenuptial Agreement. See, this is just common sense for your average billionaire. Hell, one of my bffs spends time at court like it's her hobby, and she isn't riding in a limo to the courthouse. Then again, I guess The Man and I are just going to have to throw down if this all heads south. No prenup here. I call dibs on the faux Grecian painting I picked up at Goodwill!

* Don't Use Too Much Technology. Mr. Trump tells us that emails are lame, and phone calls should be brief. I doubt anyone made their millions updating Facebook statuses, or playing Farmville. Well, unless you invented Facebook. I certainly didn't. I didn't even bother watching the movie about the guy who did invent Facebook. I'm pretty much coming out ahead on this avoiding too much technology thing. Win!

* Dress Like You Want to Live.
I'm paraphrasing here, but basically, we're supposed to spend time getting all groomed up in the morning. I'm all for this. Then again, I'm the same woman who knew she'd entered the dark and twisted woods of Postpartum when I quit wearing makeup and beating my hair into submission. As a future billionaire, at least this one won't add anything EXTRA to my to-do list!

* Stick to Your Guns.
If you KNOW you're right about something, presumably a million-dollar investment, ignore everyone you also know is WRONG. Oh, and follow your dreams too, unless your dreams are stupid and a waste of time. Either way, I'm good to go. I usually know everyone else is wrong and that my dreams are kick ass.

*Learn the Best
. Don't assume you know the best wine, the best clothes, etc just by advertising. The best isn't always advertised. And if you think wine sucks, don't drink it just to be fancy! This advice really resonated since I'm pretty sure wine is Of The Devil. You'll find me with a jaunty daiquiri in hand, not giving a hot damn what anyone thinks. Because I'm right. See above.

And that's about all I've retained thus far, well, a whole bunch of blahblahblah about property development that pretty much reminded me of having to memorize rhyme schemes in college...and that I've clearly retained about as much as I enjoyed it.

But since I'm busy preparing to be a billionaire, well, I'm off to do things we future billionaires do. I have a short attention span. I need to get my jaunty daiquiri ready and plan a hostile takeover of The Man's couch space.

I'll see you on the Riviera!

Comments, questions, how did you make your first billion?