Thursday, March 24, 2011

Spam-alot, or, a Lot of Spam

So, because my yahoo mail (see also: suckfest) allows a hella-ton of spam into my inbox (despite my clicking SPAM so much I've worn my spam-clicking finger down to a nubbin), I occasionally peruse said spam to see what idiots are trying to sell me.

Here are a few:

A Bachelor's Degree - I already have one. If you stalked me more, spammers, you might know that. Honestly? I don't really dig the one I *have* and that took a lot of work. Odds are good I won't put in time for another one. Granted, it looks fancy in the frame.

Nursing training - Um. Well. I basically can triage my offsprings' wounds pretty well. Given that The Man runs around and shouts and has an apoplectic fit when the kids get hurt, *someone* has to get on deck. The funny thing is that he's *TOTALLY* first-aid trained from the Air Force. When it's our kids though, I'm Nurse on Duty. But random strangers? Ughhhhhhhh. I don't do blood, bones, infections or virulent pathogens. And I've read some of Sassy's nursing books. NO. WAY. God love the good nurses out there, but Your Favorite Writer won't be one of them, spammers.

Eating Disorder - I'm not sure if they're selling me an eating disorder or the recovery program. It was just listed as "eating disorder." I don't have one, don't want one, nor do I need the recovery. Then again? I've always said rehab might make a nice vacation from my life... I'll consider it if you're footing the bill.

Diabetic Supplies - Well, you're about four years behind me there, spammers. I had the fun and exciting Gestational Diabetes with Casanova, which was a ROYAL BITCH. Pregnant and carb counting? SUCKFEST. Thankfully, I'm not poking my fingers full of holes anymore, so keep your supplies.

ADHD - Again, what are you selling?! I'd prefer not to get any MORE distracted than I already am.

Mobility Scooter - FINALLY! Now we're talking. True story: in college, I worked as a receptionist at a very swanky (no lie) retirement home. Every evening, I sorted and delivered mail to the residents who lived in the apartment section. Well, there were usually some scooters parked by the dining room and I thought often (read: daily) of snagging a scooter and zipping down to do the mail delivery. It was a long walk and who doesn't want to roll on one of the jazzy red ones?! EXACTLY. FYI: I'm tricking mine out with chrome.

Carpet Cleaning - I got a bunch of these in a row. If the spammers ARE stalking me, they'll know I actually DO need a good carpet cleaning. Note to self: Get rid of sheer curtains.

Hair Replacement - Not. bloody. likely. Unless they're scoping me out as a donor. Which? Flattering, but I'm only mid-back, so you'll need to wait a bit.

Mutual Funds - See also: liberal arts degree. This is foreign stuff here, spammers. Might I suggest you spam my Business Degree friends?

Shoemoney - That's totally how it's spelled too. Are you offering money FOR shoes? That might work for me, but only if you don't misspell it - because that looks totally non-legit right there.

Depression help - Thanks, but I already have a pretty sweet boyfriend named Wellbutrin. Sure, he cheats on me with some of mah friends, but I don't mind. He's so helpful, who could be mad at him for that!

Electrician school - Bwahahahahaaaa! You don't want me anywhere NEAR live electricity and/or wiring. Trust that.

Alcohol Rehab - See also: rehab if you're paying. I'm not an alcoholic, but again, the rehab part sounds nice. I *know* some alcoholics, so I could totally talk about it, if you're springing for it.

Black Singles Connect - Well clearly you're NOT stalking me, spammers. Or you'd realize that, yeah, I'm pretty damned white. Unless you're trying to connect singles *with* me, which, hi, I'm married. That applies to you too, spammer from!

Senior Care Options - I know that yes, I love scooters and yes, I heart loungewear, (so did Carmella Soprano!) but I'm not a senior YET, spammers.

Acne Solution - Sorry, I have my retin-yAy, so I'll pass.

Big and Beautiful Singles - Well I REALLY hope this isn't *about* me. I know I need to jog, but damn!


Burial Insurance - I'm RIGHT HERE, spammers! I'm not dead at all. Nor do I really want to buy this for anyone else. The Man might *not* take it as a kindness...given that I ask waiters to add "just a dash" of arsenic to his orders. Regularly.

Time to clean out my spam box. Clearly.

Comments, questions, what's your spam?


Ruby said...

I received a flyer in my mail a few weeks ago from a hearing aid company. I'm not THAT old!