Monday, March 21, 2011

Pass me that Retin-YAY!

It occurred to me today, while I was outside in the EIGHTY DEGREE MARCH WEATHER (!!!)(bipolar state!) that I probably shouldn't be facing the sun.

Mainly because it says so on my cheerful tube of Retin-A.

Thanks to my (awwwwesome!) Best Insurance Company Ever, and my family's need for almost constant obscure doctor visits, we've met our yearly out-of-pocket maximum. And by March! What! (Picture that "what!" the way Randy Jackson says it on Idol.) Last year, it took us until August, and our insurance re-cycles in October. So = free medical joy until October! Way to go team!

I called up my family doctor (she of the refusing to liberally smother me in tranquilizers) and left a message, not sure at all if anyone would refill my ancient Tretinoin script. A.K.A. Retin-A, that champion of clear adult skin, bursting with newly produced collagen. They called it in, and my Best Insurance Ever filled it. WIN!

And, since people around here refuse to buy me The 'Tox for my impending wrinkles, I'm retin-A-ing it up. Mainly I'd decided something had to be done, since I was breaking out like a senior before prom. I'm 32 = unacceptable. Even more obnoxious (but yet still fulfilling my general overarching karma) was that I didn't HAVE bad skin as a teenager. I had nice, happy clear skin. Now though, now that I'm all grown up (allegedly) I have break outs. FAIL.

I blame the children. Or The Man. Or both. Yes, definitely both.

Thus = Retin-A. My wrinkle AND zit blasting boyfriend.

Of course, the catch is that your entire face has to slough off like some sort of pasty colored snake molting. There is *that* minor issue. And it itches and burns and chunks of your chin may or may not fall into your dinner plate. Oh, and you might break out WORSE around week seven or eight, but then OHDEARGOD don't STOP using it because it's IMPERATIVE that you continue the regimen! (Pretty much quoted from mah tube.)

Apparently it's *after* the molting and breaking out that your new, youthful face emerges. I'm very hopeful. I'm in the flaky and burning stage. I'm supposed to avoid the sun because it could burn me - as if it doesn't ALWAYS try to kill my pale Scottish be-freckled skin each spring and summer. Just MORE of the burning, I guess. So I should beware of catching on fire. Thanks Retin-A!

I told my BFFIC that I have to molt before I can have awesome skin and she claimed, "that's not an endorsement." WHATever.

I can't afford semi-annual injections of The 'Tox, and despite using my very best auto analogies with The Man, he doesn't seem motivated to set aside a 'tox fund.

"Would you stop washing and waxing the Bitchy German Luxury Car?!" I asked him. "It's all about UPKEEP vs. REPAIR."

And yet. No 'Tox for me.

Thusly, I'll be slathering on my Retin-YAY. I expect to be smoking hot *visually* after the flaking and burning is over, and not just hot from the pain and vicious sunburn.

Comments, questions, what are you doing to keep age at bay?