Monday, March 7, 2011

My Imaginary Life Coach

Last night I was trying to figure out just *what* shade of red would really make my master bath SHINE (I mean, we'll already have the crystal chandelier, so that's a lot of shine right there) but I was totally (as usual) distracted. This time, I was distracted by Dr. Drew's special on Charlie Sheen.

I really (and I may have mentioned this) want to think that Dr. Drew is a douche. He's always on tv, telling me (in soothing tones) about drug addiction while helping porn stars at his rehab center.

But darn it, he just sounds so educated and sincere! WHAT doesn't Dr. Drew know?!

So of course he's going to pop up when I'm channel surfing and tell me all about Charlie Sheen.

I'd avoided blogging about Charlie Sheen, mainly because someone having a total psychotic break/downhill slide into a toxic puddle of cocaine in public is both disturbing AND depressing. Although I'll admit his "warlock" and "tiger blood" quotes are pretty hard to resist...

This isn't really about him though, it's about Dr. Drew in all his wisdom. I'm learning things here, Readers, learning about various psychiatric disorders that Dr. Drew speculates Charlie Sheen might have. I'm learning that Dr. Drew could probably convince ME that I have one of those disorders. Although I have less quotable bon mots for t-shirt sales...

He's just so persuasive! I think he should come and tell me how to sort out my Pesky Life Problems in his nice even, reasonable tone. Since Mr. Miyagi is a fictional character, Friends, the position of Basement Life Coach is still ohhhhhpeeeeen! (And my therapist has already declined. Weird.)

I bet Dr. Drew is a bitch in a marital argument, though. His wife could be all yelling and throwing shoes at his head and rabid with PMS, and he'd calmly say that he's going to practice "fair fighting" and then point out that she was being "irrational" - boy is THAT an argument red flag for Your Favorite Writer!

The real question, would he know what shade of red works in a master bath? I'm sure he would. (He probably does Feng Shui on the side.) Since we already know my power colors are red and brown, looks like we're good on that count.

Off to find a chandelier, and I'll be mentally filing the term "hypomania" for whenever it might come in handy.

Comments, questions, who is your imaginary life coach?