Friday, March 4, 2011

Double Z to the OMG my PEEPS!

In case my vaguely douchey/faux urban title didn't clue you in, I'm SUPER excited today. So excited, that I actually drank 1/4 of a half cup of Coke Zero because I forgot for two whole minutes that Coke Zero + my angry inflamed bladder = scorching abdominal pain.

And I got excited like only a true psycho-fan/rabid book reader/shut-in mom can. I'm so thrilled I'm hugging myself and yelling "squeeee!" like Patrick Star when he won a trophy for doing nothing longer than anyone else.

If you're not already asking why, (I understand because you probably got distracted by that Nutrigrain bar you've been eying since after lunch) and here's the answer anyway: my favorite book series has not ONLY a mini series coming out in April but the *long-awaited* (read as: crazy former hobbit lovers weeping into their pillows at delayed publishing dates) book of the series is really and truly being published this summer.


Normally only a new Disturbed concert and my plans to score backstage passes and/or end up on the tour bus gives me that much excitement.

Basically, and I'm going to earn some wrath here from some vengeful firey hobbit fans, but this book series is the BEST book series in the entire history of book series.

My BFFIC told me about the books long ago on one forlorn winter afternoon. I wasn't sure because she's a hardcore genre-reader. She does fantasy and sci-fi like she gets paid. I like books that basically remind me of Jerry Bruckheimer films. See also: English degree. This = I paid my dues.

This series?

George R.R. Martin's "Song of Ice and Fire" is four books that just about turned me into someone who hid under the bed with a flashlight, a bottle of tepid Coke Zero and a nutty bar. THAT good. Books that make you lock the bathroom door and yell "I'm going POTTYYYYY!" so you can finish a chapter - that good.

HBO series good.

Literary prose Chuck Norris knee to the groin of fantasy good.

And the fifth book in the series comes out in July, which makes me want to prepare a bunker NOW kind of good.

I will bludgeon anyone who tries to interrupt my reading with the book (hardback of course), wipe their blood on my bedazzled shirt and continue...

(No...not the children. The children will be occupied with writing fan letters to the author. And to Disturbed. Asking for backstage passes.)

The date is real and my BFFIC and I are giddily talking pre-order on Amazon. I can't wait to hold it in my hands, clutch it to my chest and dance wildly around the living room in some sort of book-loving haze of joy. Then the reading, the reading of all the chapters!

What happened to Sansa?

Where is Tyrion?

What's up with the zombie? (I'm pretty sure she's a zombie.)

Sure I'll be expected to drive Princess to school, clean the house, make dinner and fulfill all my housewifely-esque duties. I'm really going to have to get with T.Jo on that clone project we were talking about. My clone can do all that jazz while I finish the book, THE BOOK!

And what if your clone annoyed you? Could you say, as T.Jo did, "Back in the plastic wrap, bitch!"?

If you killed your clone, is it murder or suicide?

These are burning questions, but since my clone is *actually* typing this, I'm already busy pre-ordering my book and gyrating with unbridled love for all things George RR Martin.

My clone thanks you for your readership. She has to get back in her plastic wrap now.

Comments, questions, what makes you thrilled?