Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Update and her Tattoo

Well, my personal siege hasn't stopped (like I hoped it would) but NOT writing hasn't really cured my life either. Sure, I've vacuumed obsessively and started reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo...

And I have ONE *new* theory: people refuse to admit when Oprah has told them to read a boring as shit book. That would mean Oprah or the NY Times are dirty liars, and we can't have that sort of flux in the universe. True story: So far, this book identically mimics my college Moby Dick Experience. I had to read Moby Dick. Moby Dick is a book of 456 chapters about knot-tying, 1 chapter about a mutant named Queequeg (best part of the book) and something about an albino whale in chapter 298. I started rooting for the whale. EAT EVERYONE so I can finish this damnable BOOK! Aaaaand that's where I am with the girl and her aforementioned dragon tattoo. I'm hoping someone gets shanked, blown up, or possibly set afire to make this read a little more interesting. (Although my friend assured me there might be some gang rape, and I think even THAT will be made uninteresting. Not that I'm into gang assault. Just that the telling will be like if I wrote about going to the bank. THAT level of interest.)

True Story Part II: I was sitting at the doctor's office, as I do, and my doctor was all "OH, how do you like that book?" and I said "ehhhhh" and she said "Yeah, I tried four times to read it! My friend said it gets good after page 200, but that's too many pages." Yes. Yes it is.

Maybe the albino whale will make a cameo and eat the people in THIS book, and I can go read Uncle Tom's Cabin and write a paper about it - that's what I did when I gave up on Moby and his knot-tying last time around.

It's so DISAPPOINTING when you expect to like a book and 5,000 people on Facebook are all "ZOMG, I just read the BESTEST book in book history!" and then you get the book and you're all "wait, this sucks, I'm so conFUSED!" but you don't want to say anything because book-readers get all "I'm 'ona cutabitch" over their favorites, but you can't help but notice that absolutely NOTHING has happened in the first 100 pages and you know that clearly not all of us are Tom Wolfe or Dennis Lehane or John Connolly or George R.R. Martin (these are the authors *I* would cutabitch over) but seriously, I mean for the LOVE, could you at LEAST work on developing characters beyond their wearing a nose ring? THAT is not a character! THAT is a piercing. I'm just saying.

I had a tongue ring in 2001. That doesn't make me interesting. That doesn't mean you should be all "The Girl with the Misunderstood Ankle Tattoo" or something.

And there are more books in this series, but if I can't get past Queequeg and her nose ring this time around, I'll be going for the new Nelson Demille.

But at least I'm (sort of) back. Just not back in BLACK. Not yet, but we're getting there.

Comments, questions, do you like that damnable book?


Ruby said...

Did you finish this book yet? Seriously Sam. Push through it. It gets better! You can trust me. You know I have good literary taste!

Sammo said...

No man, I threw in the towel. Our shared love for all things James Rollins? Of course. This book? We'll have to disagree. Much like you think math is acceptable in this world, *I* think journalists should be banned from writing fiction. See, and yet we still have the love that binds us! Oh, and Aker boo. ;)