Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Elephant in My Room

I don't want to take up a ton of time with this, since I'm all V for Vendetta against the stupid situation, but it's on my mind the way that a heroin addict is a little preoccupied (presumably) when his/her stash runs out.

Remember when I told all y'all that I had a dirty dirty UTI and was peeing liquid fire? No? Well, I did. I'd link it but I'm too tired.

I'm too tired because I had to go cold turkey on my caffeine habit. No coffee. No tea. Did you read that? NO COFFEE AND NO TEA.

And I had to go cold turkey because tea, coffee and of course Coke Zero affect what I *actually* have. It's not a UTI, at all. It's something called Interstitial Cystitis, so basically whenever I say it, sound like I'm practicing for the spelling bee and/or lost my dentures.

Either way, it's something chronic and crappy and awful, and you basically guess what bothers YOUR particular case of IC (just add a 'P' and you have some clown rappers!) and then don't eat or drink it. If you *do* throw caution to the wind and chug that Coke Zero? Well then you'll be hugging a heating pad, peeing every five minutes and shaking your fist at the sky.

As the Chris Rock voice that lives in my head says, "well ain't that a bitch?" and the answer is yes, yes it is.

So if I'm angry or irritable or confused or MORE annoying than usual, that's why. As I explained to The Man today. He probably lumped it in with the cross of my PMS that he bears already.

But he did give me a Magnanimous Bone. And by the way, the Magnanimous Bone, aside from playing center stage at my imaginary rock show and being an imaginary rock band, is this: it's when you throw someone not just *A* bone, but a *MAGNANIMOUS* bone, out of the goodness of your own heart. Next time you really want to stab your sig other, but instead hand them control of the remote? You totally "MB'd" them. See? Tell your friends. (But don't steal it.)(Stealing causes epic karma blowback.)

Now, as everyone women knows, men don't always know the right thing to say when you're all "whatever will I do" and crying and stuff. Sometimes they'll tell you about their old dog, Mr. Whiskeykins (because their dad was a drunk) and how he was run over by their mail man and they never ran to get the mail again. And it has jack all to do with your crisis, but it's really all they could access in a short time, since fundamentally they're not programmed the same. At all.

I'd had a moment and cried and was all trying to take sharpened #2 pencils to my abdomen and The Man looked vaguely concerned (reflux?) and didn't say anything. I know he cares though, because he called the tanning salon and asked how much their Mystic (spray) Tans cost.

"Hey! They're only $20, but it's buy one, get one free! You could do THAT!"


"Um. Okay? When would I do that?"

"Now! It's a good deal. We could do that today! It's the spray tan right?"


"Well you could get one."

"Okayyyyy.....well I'd have to wear something scrubby and take my make up off, because it gets all over stuff.... And I've never done one..."

"Oh. Okay."

Now the whole point of this is to point out that The Man was throwing me a Magnanimous Bone. He knew I was in pain, mad about my coffee/tea/soda freeze and knew not what to say.

A woman would make Empathy Faces and tell you about how she once had a raging UTI and peed blood for a week and then google acid free drinks you could make.

A man?

A man thinks a nice Mystic Tan will perk you up.

Don't get me wrong. I love him for trying, for realizing I'm in a bad headspace and trying to do something for me. And I think that a Mystic Tan, along with the box of hair color (mwahahahaaaa!) I bought might be a nice mood changer.

And it beats the hell out of listening to the devil on my shoulder, telling me one caffeinated drink will be just fiiiiiine with us. Or worrying about my car's muffler or my other car's quarter panel. Or my cat's vet bill.

Why is it when an elephant gets in the room, it really trashes the place? But this is it, my life, elephant damage and all.

Comments, questions, what's your elephant?