Friday, January 14, 2011

The Dark Winter of my Soul

As I trudge through yet another Russian Tundra winter here in the frosty midwest, I think, A. Why the HELL did anyone settle where it's so cold you DIE in the winter if you don't have heat B. What did people DO before heat/electricity OTHER than die and C. Can I wear a spaghetti strap shirt if I have ONE sleeve?

These are the things that vex me, Readers, among other things, of course. (Like why can't I tan, despite being brunette?)(And why does The Man look fresh as a daisy after a lifetime of tanning?!)(Because he's a dirty pirate, that's why.)

Basically, getting through January is a bloody HERCULEAN task for me, every single winter. It's the month that has 97 days. It's cold, it's dark, and the only thing on the other side? February. Yeah, that's fair.

And like a lot of my fellow mid-westerners (as evinced by the sheer magnitude of Cracker Barrels in existence) I have a tendency to want to hibernate every January. I want to curl up in my red sweatpants with a bowl of popcorn, a ponytail, a good book and see YOU homies in May. If I did that though, I'd emerge like a surly groundhog and be all "why don't mah pants fit?!" so that is not an option. My 45 degree basement weight room? Unpleasant yes, but still mandatory. Damn its eyes.

We also have a sitter. Did you read that slowly so you embraced every beautiful syllable? A S I T T E R. As in, someone who will sit here and make sure that the children are alive and well when we return. And no, it's not the hobo down off 38th and Post either. It's a girl who actually took a "safe sitter" class and is all shiny and 15 and still enthusiastic about life! Isn't that cute? I thought so too. So I'll gladly pay her.

I have no idea what we're doing. I'm hoping it involves me having a bubbly alcoholic drink that will inevitably set my bladder afire with anger. I'll accept seeing a movie. Or eating food. Or driving around listening to the new Eminem cd because I can't usually do such a thing! I'll take walking around the BP and drinking a slushie. Seriously. We're parents of small children. I don't care WHAT WE DO as long as there aren't children involved. Well, as long as MY children aren't involved.

And sure, I can't really break out the fun clothing thanks to our AWESOME blizzard-y snow-filled arctic winter; but I'm pretty sure that if I wear a coat and the one-sleeve shirt I'll be okay. That shirt has been waiting a long, long time to go somewhere.

Not the pediatrician's, the grocery, the car line OR the post office either. Watch out Winter, I'm feeling fancy.

Comments, questions, what do YOU do when it's all cold and stuff?


AmbyLand said...

Hi I am a lurker. My name is Amber and I have not been reading your blog for very long. This is really funny. Where I live its only cold for 5 days a year so I feel the same way about summer and august/september. Thanks for making me laugh today :)

Sammo said...

Lurk away! ;) And you're welcome - I'm glad that anyone gets a laugh from anything I write! I usually gripe about summer - then mid January, wonder what my problem was. Hmmmm....