Tuesday, November 23, 2010

My Least Favorite Holiday, or, Why I'm in Charge of Salad

I know most people get all super cranked about Thanksgiving; they're all "bring on the food!" and I get that, because I like food too! The thing about Thanksgiving that I don't like, is the traditional food. It's nothing personal. I'm only vaguely accepting of turkey and even that is tenuous at best. The odds I'd stick my delicate patrician hand in a gaping turkey hole to remove a bag of organs? Vegas wouldn't like those odds, that's all I'm saying.

So let's review the *Traditional Thanksgiving Menu:

Turkey: Meh, at best. Don't expect me to cut it or to even LOOK at it when it's raw

Stuffing: Double EW. The spice in it causes me to reflexively dry heave and if you actually put it INSIDE the bird? I'll be eating rolls and potatoes.

Cranberry Sauce: I only involve cranberries in my life if I'm peeing fire, and then I still gripe about the unfairness of it all. Cranberry is also acceptable if the words "vodka" and/or "martini" are involved.

Gravy: I have no inherent dislike of gravy, but I have Z E R O patience for slopping drippings around a pan and then patiently mixing in flour and talking to it or playing it Mozart or whatever you do to make gravy happy.

Potatoes: Yeah, okay, I'll eat those.

Rolls: As long as there's butter.

Relish dish: Let's be honest. This thing is the poor man's salad. A relish dish is basically some diced celery and some dirty black olives thrown together on a platter you hide in your china cabinet for the rest of the year. Why be stingy, make a SALAD!

Pumpkin Pie: Ew. I'm sorry, but I don't like pumpkin, let alone its trying to trick me by throwing in the PIE concept. Pie is for apples. Or blueberries. You know, FRUIT. You don't hear about a Zucchini pie do you? Nope. Because who wants a vegetable pie. Gross.

And see, that's my basic issue with Thanskgiving. The food! It'd be like (for people who are all excited about stuffing and relish dishes) if I said, hey, you get to eat a yearly meal of Liver, Anchovies and Brussel Sprouts! And you'd be all, wow, thanks, I'll just grab some take out.

So since WE are hosting Thanksgiving Dinner at Casa de Sammo this year, I have decreed that The Man will deep fry our turkey (since it cooks faster and we can shoot it up full of seasonings with a GIGANTIC turkey syringe)(weird but true) and that I'm on Salad Duty. If I can have a salad, all y'all can chow down on all the dirty dirty stuffing you want.

And I'll be socking away a secret cheesecake or something else totally dessert appropriate in the fridge - because pumpkins belong carved on my front porch for Halloween, not baked in mah oven.

AND, because we are chock full of November birthdays, Casanova turns four ON Thanksgiving, so at least I'll get to bake a cake. And have presents with our turkey. I guess that beats just having dinner!

Comments, questions, what are your holiday plans?