Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Dearest Insurance Company

I want you all to know, first off, that (for now) I have the Best Health Insurance in the country. True story. And yet....and yet... So. This is an open letter to (yes Roobs, another fake letter to a personified entity. Fair warning!) my normally fabulous insurance company AND yours, which is, no doubt less fabulous than mine. (And to what I'll return once The Man retires from the military.)

Dear Insurance Company;

Let's be honest, you've helped me a lot over the years. You've helped make sure that I only pay a third (or sometimes more) for fancy things that my doctor's office has already paid off. Like x-ray machines. Or MRIs (which *SOME* people, ahem, keep needing)(seriously, he's going to get a tumor) or clippy-finger oxygen monitors. And the medicine! Oh, you've kept us all medicated nicely, and remember that *GOLDEN* age of late August through October, when I MET OUR DEDUCTIBLE and it was all FREE?! I do, Insurance Company, I remember it FONDLY. Why, I was so tempted to have funny looking moles checked out, and that was *just* the right time for un-needed allergy testing!

But frankly, it's come time for me to share a hard truth with you, Insurance Company. I know you're all "hey, let's SHARE these expenses! You know, after I charge you super fun premiums and all" but you're a company, a big annoyingly bureaucratic company and what you're not? You're not a doctor. I'm pretty sure that when I call to contest something you've denied, or to see which doctor is in our network, that I'm not actually talking to DOCTORS.

That leads us to this question: Why the HELL are you trying to tell me when I can get a prescription, or which one to get?! I *UNDERSTAND* your preference for generics, I do! We all <3 heart heart heart <3 us some generics, I mean, look at WalMart! But I shouldn't have to call up and talk to you NON-doctors to explain patiently what my REAL DOCTOR is doing when she tells me what meds to take for whatever given situation. You know. Because you. are. not. doctors.

And I'll be fair, Insurance Company, neither am I! I know, right? You'd TOTALLY see this blazing syntax and think "this girl went to med school" and you'd be hopelessly wrong AND have massively overestimated my ability to get through something as scary as "organic chemistry." So we agree. We're none of us doctors here.

And since *I* am not allowed to trot down to ye olde local pharmacopia and write myself a script (because I'm not a doctor), I sort of resent YOU trying to tell me what medicine I'm allowed to buy. I don't recall YOU sitting next to us in the exam room, or talking things through with my doctor when she was calling for lab tests.

I mean, GOOD WORK on the free flu shots, because THAT was a money saver this year!

Let's just lay off the armchair doctoring though, m'kay? I mean, if Suzanne in customer service is plowing through the PDR on her break, well good for HER, I say, but let's let my doctor, the one with the framed degrees and KNOWLEDGE, prescribe what medicine we take here at Casa de Sammo, shall we?

I knew you'd understand. Here's to meeting that deductible in 2011!

Sincerely,

Your Very Un-Patient Sammo

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