Friday, October 1, 2010

Thanks, Dr. Oz

Well friends, if you've watched the news *AT ALL* lately (sorry)(I hate the news) you probably saw something about the horrible bedbug infestations sweeping Our Great Nation.

(No. This post is not to inform you that Your Favorite Writer has a bedbug infestation, because seriously, I'd light a match and walk away.)

(I keep adding extra syllables to words. Like first I typed "infes-TA-tation". I don't know why this is going on, but I blame the children. Why not.)

So anyway, Dr. Oz had almost an entire show devoted to the horrible pestilence! And I learned things, friends, AWFUL things. Like bedbugs can hide in the seats of a movie theater! Or a restaurant! These are, theoretically, places that I would go if I ever got a sitter. And now I have to worry about bedbugs crawling out and invading my house.


Or, I could crawl around like a psychopath with a flashlight and pull the seating apart, like the Expert on Dr. Oz recommended.

Really? Here I would be, finally free from the Children of the Corn, waiting for a nice Restaurant Meal that *I* didn't have to cook, and I'd be all "Oh WAIT, I have to inspect this seat first!"

Then, I'd whip out my trusty MagLite, which of course would fit in my dashing clutch bag, or maybe even be COLOR COORDINATED with my bag (win/win yo), and I'd start inspecting the seams for bugs the size of apple-seeds.

The Man: WHAT. THE. HELL. are you doing?!!!
Me: Dude. You saw Dr. Oz. We could be harboring a BUG INFESTATION if we sit in the wrong seat.
The Man: People are looking at you.
Me: Huh. Well they won't be looking at me when they're fighting a bed bug attack at home because THEY sat in the wrong seat!
The Man: I'm leaving if you don't stop.
Me: Here. Take the flash light and check your seat. Mine's clear. I did find a mint though....

But for a movie theater, I could just *pretend* that I'm an usher. Brilliant.

Or creepy. Either one really.

**Update** I totally remembered when I was cooking dinner (because isn't that when the BEST ideas strike? No.) that Dr. Oz also recommended that when you're shopping at Goodwill or at a garage sale, that you shouldn't buy clothing with blood stains. I'm not making that up. And really? I think it's good advice for almost anything. No blood stains. Got it.

Comments, questions, are you avoiding anything creepy and crawly?