Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Stylin' and Verbal Assassinatin'

I don't know about *you* people, but when I see my mom she often gives me things. Like Burger King toys for the kids; she'll seriously shank a 'ho to get the missing character from a series if she's been eating kids' meals for a couple weeks. She also gives me magazines and catalogs. Sometimes they're really cool, and sometimes, I'm all "why don't you keep your Shoe Orthotics Weekly, mkay?" and then she's all "shut up Sam" which is pretty much a stock phrase going wayyyyy back to the early 90s.

Last time she visited, I got about 3 or 4 telephone book sized In Style magazines, which I thought I'd just let the kids rip up, but then I started leafing through. It was like window shopping for things I'd never buy, or couldn't afford. Whee! I learned fun tips too; like using tea bags for my flaking finger nails. Who knew? In Style knew THAT'S WHO.

And it's full of absolutely NOTHING BUT trivial, vapid crap, and let me tell you, I LOVE me some vapid crap. If I started a band this week, it'd be Vapid Crap, unless I went with Verbal Assassin, because seriously, that brilliance just came out today and was awesome and I didn't even plan it. I'm going to make a t-shirt. When I have time and remember. Usually my free time is spent shoveling Dole fruit cups-n-nuts into my face.

Anyway. So yes. In Style. And I'm LEARNING things, people. Like I am too poor and already decrepit. At current estimate, I need the following: restalyn (for my dark under eye circles) botox (for my forehead lines) laser treatments (for uneven pigmentation) and a good teeth bleaching (because of my Coke Zero dependency). That's some cold hard CASH, my friends. I should get started saving up. It's what I always tell The Man = priorities. The kids can always get jobs for their higher education, but how am I supposed to walk around looking like an extra from The Mummy franchise? Exactly.

And when I'm not reading In Style and saving tea bags (for my withered fingernails) I'm watching Jillian (my pretend bff) yell at people on Biggest Loser. And feeling thin. Because really, unless you're a possible contestant, that show will make you feel thin. I'm all, I can have TWO Dole fruit-n-nut cups, whee! And of course, until they make Caffeine Free Coke Zero, I'm drinking the Sprite Zero.

Caffeine makes Your Favorite Writer not tired when she needs to sleep. And neighbors who are possibly vampires (we can't be sure) *also* keep Your Favorite Writer up when she needs to sleep.


Who stays up all night? Vampires
Who sleeps during the day? Vampires
Who acts friendly so you won't assume they're actually vampires? VAMPIRES!

I'm just painting a picture here.

The Man was concerned at first with all the crosses and garlic, but I think he's come around to my line of thinking.

Or he's afraid I'll stake him. Either one, really. And frankly, if I don't get sleep, the odds are much better than I'll think he's one of THEM and stake him. Then I'll be all sorry and crying and explaining things down at the station. Again.

True story: Once The Man and I were involved in a hit-and-run and we had to talk to detectives because the guy who hit us ended up dead. (Totally not my fault.) The officer who drove us to the station was all "wanna see how fast this baby can go" and I was all "not really, I'm in the back and it smells like pee and vomit" and she's all "check out this engine" and I'm all "wow, we're going fast" and The Man and I were exchanging worried looks and holding onto the seats because COP CARS DON'T HAVE HANDLES INSIDE and it was sort of surreal-ish in nature. Like most of my life.

So catch me tomorrow, hopefully I'll be well rested because we can't afford the surgery just yet.

Comments, questions, what's your guilty pleasure?