Monday, October 25, 2010

She's a Merry Widow is she!

Life is hard. Life is frustrating. Life is full of watching Dr. Oz tell you your risks for stroke and being afraid that every time the pain behind your left eye burns like a supernova that you're going to blow a gasket and fall over in a leaky brained puddle. Life is bills you forgot, or bills you wish you could forget. Life is retaining water and wearing fat jeans to the store. Life is hauling the barf bucket out of storage at 3 in the am. Life is dirty toilets when company comes over suddenly. Life is buying cheap rum and wondering why you did because it tastes like nail polish remover and is a *total* waste of a daiquiri. Life is your cat missing the litter box. Again. Life is your kid spraying the entire bottle of your favorite hairspray all over his toys. Life is not being able to buy yourself Botox when you really, really wish you could. Life is your sig other not telling you that you *don't* need Botox. Dirty dirty sig others. Life is coffee not helping you wake up like it used to. Life is worrying about your dirty job and wishing you had another one, but you don't, so you put your pants on and get it done.

And happy? Happy is a whole different creature. Happy is finding one Coke Zero that hid behind the cottage cheese just when you thought you were out. Happy is a check in the mail because some medical place audited and found you OVERpaid. Happy is a 2-second hug, or a 5-minute back rub (not the kind during ESPN). Happy is a phone call that makes you laugh so that you just might pee yourself. Happy is seeing something you said make a difference or doing something you think might. And happy is dressing up like an overgrown idiot who is trying (and failing) to hold back the sands of time, each year, for Halloween.

I heard that this year, "experts" (wherever and whoever they are)(damn their eyes) said that Halloween was going to be a boon to the economy because in such hard times people want to escape reality. I say, I want to escape reality a LOT. And dammit, dressing like a pirate, a queen, a zombie, a serial killer, or a weird goth fairy helps, people, it really really does. Go all out, that's what I say!

Buy something fun. Go crazy! Get yourself that pair of boots you think are too high, or too tight or that you think you shouldn't wear since you turned 30. Take your work/family/responsible adult side and shove it in a mental trunk and let Crazy You go shopping. You don't even have to spend a lot - get creative! By all means, get *authentic* - and if you can't find a party, go out somewhere. There are lots of places that sponsor costume contests and it's one night when it's perfectly ACCEPTABLE to walk around wearing glitter and wings and weird facial make up. That, friends, is what we call a total "win" in the Sammo Life Chart.

This year, since I know you're burning with curiosity, or maybe that's just pink eye, I'll tell you what The Man and I are going as. First off, we NEVER MATCH. A lot of couples do. Of course a lot of couples probably have towels marked "his" and "hers" and pour each other coffee and use nicknames (other than asshole) for each other. We don't. We also don't coordinate. We thought about it, this year, we did. But the matching lady costume was so smoking H O T in the sense of causing me to sweat and possibly die of heatstroke, not to mention that every single one I tried on had a blown seam in it...(no, NOT because I tried it on)(really). I decided to go as something else. Something that might not arrive in time even though I chose fast shipping, but something else, my friends.

The Man? Well, he's going as Mickey Rourke's villain from Iron Man 2. You know, the guy with the harness and weaponized jumper cables? Yes? Here's a refresher:



And since The Man is secretly a thespian in disguise, he can't just go with the molded rubber of the costume, no no. He's adding light sources to complete the look, whereas Your Favorite Writer will be called upon to add the bizarre Cyrillic tattoos. And, as every year, I'll spend more time adjusting his fake blood, his wig, or his precision-trimmed facial hair than I do on my own hair and glorious glorious fake eyelashes.

But Your Favorite Writer? Well. I'm going as a Merry Black Widow. I will have a hat with a veil, and even carry a bouquet of lillies. I also plan to add a box of green jell-o to my purse, and draw a skull and crossbones on it. I'll walk around swilling Smirnoff Ice Light and saying "God rest his soul" - you know, just to stay in character. And the comic irony cannot be enjoyed *enough* friends.

What *isn't* awesome about dressing up and finding a legit reason to buy myself some fishnets? Answer = N O T H I N G.

Because when the weekend is over, it'll be back to hiking up Mt. Laundry, and remembering fundraisers at the last minute, but Saturday night? Saturday night, we'll show up with all the pirates, witches, vampires, zombies and random Snookis or Lady Gagas, and forget all about Life for awhile. Happy is on deck.

Comments, questions, are you dressing up?

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