Thursday, October 21, 2010

He Don't Need No Lava Soap, Nope

You know how sometimes, you just get stuck in a waiting room, and it's unintentionally hilarious but you can't laugh because you might get shanked by a very big scary guy who hasn't bathed in about four years? That totally happened to me this week.

First off, I'm a pretty easy going (just take my word for it) chick, but certain things aren't cool. Like toxic unwashed odor, complemented by a touch of chronic chain smoker.

So I was basically breathing very shallowly, and hoping I wouldn't pass out. I was trying to be inconspicuous, and also not to pee my pants from spontaneous laughter. That part was the HARD part, friends.

Bear in mind, I was in a medical office where counselors and mental health professionals also work. I'm guessing this group was there to see them. Mainly because they were calling out questions from the Initial Visit form.

Mamaw: Are you spiritual?
BO Guy: I guess.
Mamaw: Well do you believe in God?
BO Guy: Yeah...
Mamaw: Do you pray?
BO Guy: I have. I mean, not much, no, not really...
Mamaw: Well, would you say you're a Chrisitan, or Jewish or a MOOSE-LIN?
(I told you it was hard. WHAT THE HELL IS A MOOSE-LIN????)
BO Guy: Christian
Mamaw: Okay, well you can answer some of these yourself...

Then BO Guy took the form, and went on...

"Mama? What would you say my physical health is?"
Mamaw: What are my choices?
BO Guy: Good, Real Good and Declining
Mamaw: I'd say real good.

(I should point out that BO Guy, other than smelling like a dumpster, was a tad on the heavy side, clearly a smoker and what I had initially thought were painted black nails were actually deep bruising.)(I'd hate to see what Mamaw thought 'declining' health looked like.)

Then, BO Guy evidently reached a question he didn't feel comfortable sharing with the entire room, and showed it to Mamaw.

"Well, I think you should write 'Discuss during interview'"
BO Guy: How do you spell that?
Mamaw: D-I-S-C-U-S-S
BO Guy: Start again...
Mamaw: D...I...S...C...U...S...S

Then, turning to look at me, she said, "Hey, that's right, right? I mean, I want to be sure..."

And I'm all "Oh yeah, that's right!"

And then I felt like a total douche because the only magazine I'd grabbed from home was The Smithsonian, which, really, why don't I look a little MORE elitist while I'm at it...

(Not that the articles aren't fascinating, because I LOVED their piece on the mafia in Sicily, but yeah. Clearly.)

Comments, questions, how do you find unintended entertainment?