Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Date with Destiny

*Which reminds me of someone I knew once, at some tragic job, named Destiny. But she spelled it DesTAny, which really, just says it all. If you're going for some epic name, let's at least agree on the spelling, or stick with something simple. Like Sue. *

Tomorrow is the dentist. And now I am cursing that I didn't fill out the Xanax (that'd be angels singing an aria that you hear) script I got for an alleged cavity that *might* have needed a filling, that I found out about last time I went to a dentist, about....oh....awhile ago now.

I say alleged because the x-ray, Friends, was clear. She just had a "hunch" which does NOT justify drilling up on my teeth-eh-ses, noooooo. But I made some sort of whimpering and whining noises when she mentioned the drilling part, so she was all "here's a xanax prescription" and then I lost it in the sands of time (or one of my cavernous purses) and I decided not to go to her again ANYway.

But tomorrow, I have to face the music. And by music I mean dentist. And no matter how many people tell me that it's "just a cleaning" I will NOT be listening to you, I'll be too busy hugging myself in the corner and clutching my lucky lock of Sylvia Plath's hair (no, NOT really) and humming comforting Pink Floyd songs.

I hate the dentist.

It's not personal.

It's really, really me and not YOU Dentist. Really. We just aren't good TOGETHER.

YOU want me to floss. I understand your commitment to my gums, but I hate flossing. You want to cram those torture-device bite wings in my mouth so you can check for cavities. I want you to TRUST me. I've never had a cavity in my life! I wouldn't do that to you! It's really frustrating, this lack of trust, Dentist.

Then you act all contrite and nice and tell me I can choose flavors of polish, but really, you're just hurting me with all the buffing. And cinnamon doesn't make the bleeding of my gums any more tasty.

Then, it's all insult to injury when you poke at my teeth and tell me about how Sprite Zero is "acidic" and "bad for my enamel" - when you KNOW I'd die of dehydration without it!? Seriously, enamel or my LIFE, Dentist? Really, let's try a little professionalism.

You know what? It *is* YOU, Dentist. I'm sorry, but I have to be honest. I think we're better off as acquaintances. And that means you can't touch my mouth anymore.

Comments, questions, do you floss?