Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Blog That Explains. It. All.

Usually, I write for my homegirls, my ladies, my peeps, but today? Well, in the interest of Sharing Precious Knowledge with The World, I'm devoting today's post to the men out there. Take today off, senoritas, we'll adjourn for now. Boys, grab something to write with, you're going to need it.

See, I know that you're all a bit...scared...of what happens each month to all the women out there. Your wife, sister, girlfriend or pal, we all have this...situation. And I'm going to use my VAST KNOWLEDGE and ABILITY to help you understand it. And why you have to be nice to us, shut up, stop for the love of all things HOLY mentioning it during arguments, and how you can deal with it.

I'll try to spare your manly feeling because, well, I didn't exactly major in biology, but through the use of helpful visual aides, I think we can get this done.

Each month, for a lady, means hormone changes. Hormones are important in the role Anyway. So when a lady's hormones are at a nice even level, you get this: (the hormones are just bobbing along on a smooth level, you see)

This is the nice woman who listens to you blather about your day, laughs through Modern Family with you, and picks up your dirty underwear from the bathroom floor.

But see, hormones don't stay the same. They get all CYCLICAL on a mofo' and then you get this: (now the hormones are up and down)

This is your *normally* nice girlfriend/wife/sister/pal when her hormones have gone a little wonky. Notice the bloody knife and bowl of popcorn. This is another reason *not* to touch her comfort food.

Then, once the dread period begins. Which. You know what that's all about friends. But basically for her and for you it means this: Angry pain zones. Booby zones, belly zones, and back zones. They hurt. A LOT.

Here is your lady, with angry red pain zones. She's sad, and hurting.

Since you're a man, and you have NO IDEA what any of this is like, well, it's basically LIKE THIS:

This is you, kicked by a floating boot, right in the crotch. (Don't ask me why your hair got all Jersey Shore.)

Only see, once you get kicked in the crotch, after writhing around and crying for awhile, you feel better. Your lady, on the other hand, is still bloated, in the fetal position and feeling some kidney-grinding pain for about, oh EIGHT HOURS.

Marinade in THAT, my friend.

And usually that's when you start saying STUPID THINGS. Like WORDS. Like "God, I thought your period was last week!" or "Why are you wearing those sweatpants?" or "Where did I put my keys?" Really, NOT talking is your safest bet.

And if you feel the urge to say anything, tread lightly. Go for something uplifting like "Would you like a back rub?" or "Hey, have you lost weight?" or "I put extra butter on this, and made myself some queso, so it's ALL for you HONEY!"

Remember. It's NOT HER FAULT. She doesn't enjoy this any more than YOU do. And if you forget that she's in emotional pain (crying about her lost childhood pet maybe) and physical pain (angry pain zones!) just remember, it's like a shot to the junk for HOURS on end. Would a lil' Midol help THAT? No? Then don't expect her to perk up on it either!

Soon enough, those hormones will settle down, and you'll be back to your normal happy lady friend/wife/pal.

Just man up and don't be a douche. Remember slick, silence is GOLDEN. Much like chocolate and vicodin.

Comments, questions, bought your lady any jewelry lately?


Michael said...

Not really a question, more of a statement.

Men who have a problem with menstruation need to grow up. Seriously.

My own brother, to this day, won't buy sanitary items at the store. I have no problem with it, now or at any other time. What better advertisement that I am man enough to have a fertile woman at home?

Anonymous said...

Sam, honey you are hilarious! I laughed until I cried and then I made Mark come in here and get schooled.

Sammo said...

Thanks Glo! I'm just trying to help humanity here. lol. ;)