Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Your Favorite Writer Avoids Homicide (again)

Today was Grocery Day; which is right up there with Annual Exam Day and Kid Immunization Day in the group of Days that I loathe with scorching intensity. But I was out of food, and what's a girl to do? Turns out when one is out of deeeeelicious creamy chicken Ramen, one must grocery shop. (My lunch today was a snack pack of tuna salad and tiny crackers and a Sweet&Salty nut bar. SUCK.)

I shop at a place where only Fancy Military People get to shop, so basically this = oldster veterans. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE me some oldster veterans and their hats covered in patches, I do. What I don't love? Slowwwwww oldsters who want to tell my cashier about the benefits of check writing vs. debit cards.

And I'd been standing in line, waiting my turn and thinking 'any line but line 3!' because I could already see this situation shaping up AND it was also the Coupon Counting Cashier; you know, the one who stops the bagging to make sure you aren't one Yoplait short of a six-count and therefore not entitled to your .50 coupon? THAT guy.

I got line 3.

And since it wasn't really cool to start drinking a Mike's Hard Lemonade while I waited, I had to pretend to be patient. Which, shockingly, I'm not. I had my ENTIRE monster cart full of crap on the belt while the Oldster was still writing his check. Then, he asked what day it was. Then he asked which check he'd written. Then, he entered it in his checkbook. Then he asked why the cashier scanned it. Then, he recited the Gettysburg address because he remembered helping Lincoln write it! Then, I banged my head into the candy rack until I was soothingly unconscious.

This settles it. Next week I'm snagging one of the motorized carts and hitting up the self scan. It couldn't be much work and at least I can put the kids in the attached basket. And it has a horn, and backup beeper, so there's always that. It is now officially Coke Zero Time and I'll have to add some rum so I can start working on my substance abuse (Mommy's angling for a nice quiet month in rehab). (Oh, like you wouldn't like a stay in rehab? Have you ever stayed home with your kids?)

Comments, questions, where do you buy food?