Thursday, September 16, 2010

Things I've Learned Since High School Part Deux

While you'd think that you might have learned all you need to know by the time you're 17...oh wait, you didn't think that.... well I am pretty sure that *I* did. But I didn't. I didn't learn I mean. So because my vacuum isn't working (THE HORROR IS TOO MUCH!!!!) I will now share with you a compendium of Things I've Learned...

* French is the most *USELESS* foreign language in the world. Unless you include that clicking language that they did in the South Park episode. I don't know what it is. I'm not terribly knowledgeable about it. Actually, that clicking language at least would be fun at parties, whereas French? Not so much. Now Spanish? Oh noooo, that wasn't FANCY enough for me, or whatever. I have to learn it through Pitbull songs and Sassy's bilingual bff. Sigh. So far, I'm not making much progress, and the only phrase I know involves suggesting unfortunate things for someone's mother. Not. Helpful. Meanwhile, I can still set a world record for conjugating the verb 'etre' and do you care? Me neither. This doesn't help me when I want a freaking chorizo taco!

* Dieting does not involve Diet Mountain Dew and bags of Lance White Cheddar popcorn. You actually have to.....shhhh wait for it.....WORK OUT. I know! I was shocked too, but after a really REALLY (really) unfortunate 'fat' phase in college? Well, let's just say that the weight room and I are now intimate friends. And turning 21 being a Moo-moo McChunkerson? NOT FUN. Oh, and again shockingly, long islands are NOT part of a good weight loss plan. The cache of being more fit at 31 than at 21? Almost makes up for the memories of my fat club outfits. ALMOST.

* If you marry for money (I didn't) you have to make sure they're old enough to die soon. Otherwise? You have to hang out with someone who probably sucks and there aren't enough manicures and trips to Cabo to make up for this. I'm just saying. Heads up ladies.

* Regret is not just expensive and the subject of a lot of bad songs and movies, it's also really annoying for someone who isn't into wallowing around in the muck of their subconscious. If you're like me and would rather bedazzle your nails than think about your Gigantic Life Mistakes? Try to make good decisions or at least ones that don't keep you up late at night when you'd rather be dreaming about swimming around in alfredo sauce.

* You're never too old to dress how you want to. I mean, OTHER people might think that you are, and if you run into Stacey London (it could happen) she might TELL you that you are, but you're really not. Bottom line, if you want to wear glittery purple nail polish and shop in the Juniors because they have more sequins, do it. Everyone else can suck it. Life is too short to wander around wearing beige. Oh, and this applies to righteous music too. Oldsters don't have to hand in their membership cards to Club Rock and start listening to ::shudder:: Neil Diamond or something. I know, I know, YOU love N. Diamond....whatever...send your hate mail to Disturbed, signed People Who Don't Want to Sing about the Environment.

Aaaand one thing that hasn't changed? My short attention span. Seriously. I'm distracted because Pandora (is drunk. again.) keeps playing weird songs and I have to stop and thumbs down them and then it gets even by doing an obnoxious commercial about shaving cream. WHATEVER.

That's all I have today Monkeys, and I have too many errands to run, now including a trip for my vacuum (WHY GOD, WHYYYYY???).

Comments, questions, what have you learned since you were a young'un?

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