Monday, September 27, 2010

Dateline Datenight

The Man and I were watching Dateline (and I totally just googled it to be sure)(you're welcome) and it was about two young women killed by a total asshat serial killer douche, which isn't even my favorite Dateline type show because then I start thinking about how I probably wouldn't escape from a serial killer douche and I'd have to hope to scrape his face and leave DNA under my fingernails for the autopsy to find and then I get all freaked out because NO ONE really wants to think about their own autopsy, but turns out if you're killed by a serial killer you don't get a choice in the matter, that's only for oldsters who die under medical care in a hospital because they probably know how you died.

And really, the best Dateline? I think we can all agree it's the "To Catch a Predator" series because what *isn't* awesome about catching skeezy chesters in a rental house and then tackling them on the front lawn as they try to run to their Ford F150 and take their brown sack of condoms, wine and handcuffs with them? NOTHING. It's totally FULL of awesome. And they're all "But I wanted to warn Heather about guys like this, so I totally came over just to TALK." And then Chris Hansen is all "Really Captain Asshat? Then what's in your brown sack from Walgreens?" And they're all "Oh this? Well it certainly ISN'T a pack of Trojans and some Boon's Farm, that's for sure." Then they try to leave with a shred of dignity (that they don't have) (because they're freaking CHILD molesters) and then they get a whole lotta cop boots up their ass on the lawn. AWESOME. BEST. SHOW. EVER!

But as I was looking at the Dateline page so I could confirm for you Monkeys that it was what we'd been watching, I tried to find when I would be seeing MORE "TCAP" and they didn't have anything! And it's probably because some lawyer is all "entrapment!" and Chris Hansen is all "Did you LOOK in the BAG from Walgreens?" and they're lawyer-ing it up somewhere, so as soon as THAT stops, I certainly hope they'll be faking out more molesters, because, well, CLEARLY that's something that should happen.

But really, the point is that while we were watching Dateline and they were talking about this Serial Killer Douche, that they said one girl had been forced into his car and I *immediately* remembered my Favorite Job Interview Ever, and decided to share this with The Man, mainly because I care about him and I'm trying to help.

True Story: Somewhere in the fabled land of yesteryear, Your Favorite Writer took her sassy degree and minor in criminal justice and landed an interview with the Prosecutor's Office. The job was working for Adult Protective Services, which yes, is a real thing. Basically, I would have had to check on oldsters and make sure that skeezy relatives hadn't buried them in the basement to collect social security. This happens often enough that there's a department people, so, yeah.

Prosecutor: So. What would you do if someone told you to get in the trunk of their car? Even if they had a gun?

Adorable 22 year old Sammo: I'd fight. I'd make sure I didn't end up in the trunk.

Prosecutor: Exactly! If you go in the trunk, you're not coming back alive.

Me: Yeah, I would try not to end up in the trunk AT ALL.

Prosecutor: Are you comfortable with firearms? Have you ever shot a weapon?

Me: I actually own a shotgun, but my accuracy is better from my hip than my shoulder. I shoot from the hip, literally!

Laughs all around....

Seriously, THAT was my favorite interview. EVER! I didn't get the job, even though they liked me and I made it to the final round, because there's a law that makes them hire people who did the job in another county. Suck. Although really, when you have to think about ways to NOT end up in trunks or shallow graves, and you're wayyyyy out in Meth-Making Country with no back-up checking on Papaw who hasn't been seen in awhile.....maybe not a dream career.

So I was trying to tell The Man about how you can't EVER get in the car with a Serial Killer and he was all "you ALWAYS tell me that story" and I'm "But I'm trying to HELP you out here" and he's "whatever."

Although frankly, if a Serial Killer told me to get in his car, really the only guarantee we'd have is that I'd probably pee myself, which wouldn't help anyone and would only slow me down. And given my luck, I'd probably be wearing my Crocs which wouldn't give me ANY advantage to outrunning a Serial Killer. Plan A: Keep nails long to collect DNA. Consider carrying a concealed weapon - mental note - see if Dad will buy me a pretty one for Christmas. (Dad is all about attractive sidearms for me.)(And jewelry.)(Christmas from Dad is usually win/win.)

But it's Monday, Chiclets, so I'm off to run 100 errands and probably visit the pediatrician because I haven't spent any money there lately, so tell me, how would YOU avoid a Serial Killer, and do you know when TCAP is back on tv?

Comments, questions, when is Chris Hansen saving us from pervs?!

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