Wednesday, September 29, 2010

But Can you Repair My DAY, sir

Today I am writing while on hold with customer service for Samsung, perhaps to be called SamSUCK, depending on how this call goes...

And I'm pretty sure that I've already given Paulo (real name)(name not changed to protect the innocent) everything except my blood type, and perhaps my predilection for period novels.

Trivia: Did you know that the word "ubiquitous" is the most searched word on Merriam-Webster? Well, you do now. Frankly, I think people should search "myriad" so I don't have to read the dreaded "myriad OF" which is just like saying "many of" which you'd never say. You're WELCOME.

Then, Paulo was all "M'aam, you'll have to install new firmware." And I was all "Your MOM needs firmware." Okay, not really. I DID ask, and I quote, "So, do I have to massage its firmware and take it out to dinner once a month just to watch a movie?"

This comment earned me a long pause, which I TOTALLY attribute to a time-delay in whatever mysterious part of the world I was calling, and then a slow "Yeeees, M'aam, you'll have to update your firmware every month." And he probably put some notice or flag on my account like "PMS-y woman with screaming kids, Put on hold often" or "Lied about something called "firmware" - if she calls back, call it "software" or "hardware" or "delicate ware."

THEN, because my life is ohsorich and full of The Joy, The Children of the Corn were being *EXTRA* special and screaming and throwing Zoobles at each other. Princess earned herself a Zooble yesterday for allowing a nurse to stab her with a sharpened golf tee covered in allergens. A Zooble is an over-priced tiny plastic animal that turns into a ball, and pops back up after you stick it on its magnetic "habitat." So now all I hear is "Where is my HABITAT?!" And I'm all, we're living in it yo, and then she's all "FOR MY ZOOOOOBLE!" and then Mommy pours herself a drink.

Don't mind if I do.

So Paulo probably called the Indian version of CPS because while he was blathering about "downloads" and "Blu-Ray updates" Casanova fell off my computer chair and cried like he had lost a limb and then I was all "sorry, my kids are being awful" and he just kept right on with the "firmware" spiel. For added excitement, we played "guess that serial number" and I am almost 100% sure that Paulo was totally fucking with me.

Paulo: "So that's Z as in Zebra, 1, P as in Paul,..."
Me: "No, it's Z, 1, Z as in zebra, and C as in Charlie..."
Paulo: "Oh, so Z1ZC.. then it's L, 2, 0 Z?"
Me: "Dammit Paulo. Have you been listening? And learn the military alphabet would you? It's much easier. It's L as in Lima, 2, F as in FOXTROT. Seriously. Have you seen any Vietnam movies? Improvise man!"

And once Paulo had assured me that YES, firmware updates are THE main fix for my problem (Whatever)(He's lying)(It's a Blu-Ray player, not a bloody 56th generation iPHone.) he did say that I could call back if the firmware download didn't work. Then they'd fix it. Suuuuure, Paolo, sure.

Because I'm such a lucky girl, THEN, the dishwasher repairman showed up just as I was bodily throwing Casanova into bed. It's only his FOURTH trip here. Our dishwasher has now gotten shiny new parts for EVERY SINGLE part of it's, uh, magical dishwasher components.

What can I possibly do to have any more fun today? I know! It's time for calling medical offices and my insurance company! Where did my rum and coke go, I know it's around here somewhere...

No. Not really. Maybe. It is, after all, always five o'clock somewhere. Like where Paulo is working.

Comments, questions, fix any electronics lately?

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