Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Who Knew I was Parenting a Teenager?

So, usually when well-meaning (older) parents are all "ohhhh, just WAIT until she's a teenager!" har, har, snort snort, I'm all trying not to stab them with my keys trying to maintain patience because, uh, I already put in my TIME at Teen Parenting 101.

Because I do things backwards like a challenge (that's what my therapist says)(not really) I was knee-deep in teen angst before I ever started slinging diapers and wipes around the old casa.

If you're not familiar with the Saga of My Life, I met The Man when Sassy was a charming 12 year old. She became a prickly 13 year old, downgraded to a hostile 14 year old, etc but eventually normalized into someone I enjoy seeing, and don't want to lock in a 9x9 shed (anymore).

Thus, the people who are all smirky usually get the Cliffs Notes version of this which is basically like 'hey, already raised a teenager who is NOT a felon, so you're welcome world!'

I did, however, think that I'd have a few more years to breathe easily before I started having doors slammed in my face, and angry emo music painstakingly chosen to convey feelings to me (again).

I was wrong.

Princess has been....verbal....forever. People are always impressed that she's *only* whatever-age-she-is because they think she's older due to her vocabulary. She's smart, but she still can't pass for 13, except for the ATTITUDE Monkeys, the attitude.

Just now, she wanted to go out and play some softball. I don't play softball. I never did. The Man used to coach it, so it's allll you honey, but then it rained. I explained that we can't go outside because of the weather.

Me: We don't control the weather.
Princess: Yes, you do.
Me: No, how would I do that?
Princess: You just tell it, sun, if you want sun, and rain, if you want rain.
Me: If that worked, it wouldn't be 500 degrees outside!
Princess: Fine, just fine. You don't want to play with me, you just want to sit there and do that and I'll just go upstairs because NO ONE loves me and you can all just leave me alone!
The Man: Come here, buddy, I'll sit with you.
Princess: No! Just read your paper, just read your paper like you ALWAYS do! I'm leaving, no one wants me here so I'm just LEAVING!


And, if I learned one thing, it's do NOT respond to the dramatic renditions of human suffering being given on an improv basis nightly. You'll be tempted, oh yes, but you don't give in! NEVER give in, Monkeys. Have the heart to hearts later, but if you rush in with cookies and stories about your suffering, well, enjoy THAT cycle for the next 5-7 years.

Again, I thought I had TIME. I didn't realize I was raising a miniature Oscar contender.

Good news though, it stopped raining, so for now, maybe she'll put her all black outfit away and I won't have to hear (any more) Death Cab for Cutie.

Comments, questions, are you raising teens (or kids who think they are)?