Sunday, August 8, 2010

The *Real* Batman (and I'm a Death Ray)

This weekend, after seeing Clash of the Titans (which okay, yes, Monkeys, *totally was* the crap-fest I'd heard it was)(seriously, I remember NOTHING of mythology and I was still griping about accuracy)(wasn't it a re-make, and did the first one suck?) - aaanyway, so after using up our maaaagical BluRay, we were stuck with whatever was on tv.

And what was on? A show about "real" super humans. Sort of like super heroes, only without the awesome bat cave, or flying, or amazing adventures.

There was the man who could conduct electricity without being shocked to death - that was fun. He powers a blender while sucking on a live wire! Strangely, The Man didn't want to try that at home. And I offered to video it and EVERYthing.

The best though, was the guy who had been blind from birth and taught himself how to click his tongue and SEE stuff through....echolocation. This guy apparently was the REAL Batman.

Watching it, well, it went a little sumthin' like thiiiiis...

Me: Do you think you could do that?
The Man: I don't know.
Me: Watch, I'm going to try.

(At which point I closed my eyes and made clicking noises at the couch. I did not see or sense the couch, I sort of fell into the cushions, because I was busy clicking at it.)(I promise you, I was alarmingly sober.)

The Man: Whatever. I have a headache.
Me: Oh, like a headache disables echolocation? You shouldn't even have put this on if you thought I wouldn't try it.

(I still couldn't visualize the couch, no matter how much I clicked at it.)(Must take practice.)

I was more disappointed that the show hadn't contacted *ME* because I totally have super powers. For instance, I tend to kill electronics by my mere presence. Especially if there's a 24 person line backing up at a register at Best Buy and then it's my turn and ohhhhh, sorry, that's weird, our computers are down. For an hour. I'm like a one-woman EMP machine.

I've mentioned my ability to nap, but that super power is sort of on the way out, and won't really amaze anyone, honestly, because I'm probably just one step away from narcolepsy, and/or have a thyroid problem. OOOhh, ahhhh, come see the amazing Thyroid Woman! She's always tired and can't lose a pound to save her life! It's shocking! (My thyroid is fine.)(I'm probably just depressed.)(Not really, it's the children.)

I'm also pretty sure I can kill people with my mind. Seriously. It's getting out of hand. You meet one person whom you dislike, and s/he dies, well, that's life. You have another one go, it's sad. You get up around four or five, it's probably a super power.

The problem, as one friend noted, is that I can't really focus it or aim it, so I couldn't kill her significant other, which is a real let down when you're friends, am I right? What's that they say, "friends help you move, real friends help you move the body" - I mean, THAT is the kind of girl I am, you call, need an alibi, and BAM, you are AIRTIGHT son. Just make sure you don't do something stupid like use your ATM card because I cannot alibi stupidity.

(*I don't really think I can kill people. But be nice to me, just in case.*)

But alas, the show didn't travel out here to watch me ruin people's shopping experience at Kohl's, which isn't as impressive as, say, using echolocation to ride a bike while blind. Or licking a wire and frying an egg while holding an electric hotplate.

But if Sylvia Brown is around, and done writing books about the afterlife and her pets, maybe she could help me focus my powers and I'd be a regular Mental Death Ray! Then I'd be a super weapon. Which is a totally different show.

Comments, questions, are you super?

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