Monday, July 19, 2010

Like a Dark Cloud Vanishing (and other tired cliches)

Dear sweet, sweet chicken nuggets, my Friends! The last few weeks have passed in a red haze of fury, alternating with the indigo of loneliness and the crisp azure of despondency. (Hey, when they're YOUR moods, you color them how you want!)

I know not why my friends. Except that A. the hormones (butofcourse) B. the children and their antics and C. my inability to express anything other than extreme displeasure - and a desire for Coke Zero.

I also know you can't THINK your way out of mental issues. Trust. I've tried. But what I can do is think ABOUT things that might help, and then implement them. So technically, well, YEAH I CAN think my way out!

(This helps soothe my Extreme Control Issues. Shhhhh. Let it ride.)

If you combine my already fragile moods with the Nightmare on Elm Street that is my hormones AND the narcotics I take for my cramps (that happened to trigger a flippin' ever-loving migraine) then you have how I've felt, mentally, for a few weeks.

This, in the emotional trigonometry of my brain = hot turds.

I've been a crappy mom, an angry wife and a frazzled friend. I would suggest I've also been a lousy writer, but let's not get carried away throwing invisible rotten food at me, shall we?

(Instead, send invisible daiquiris and play some vintage Zeppelin - why? Because Stairway makes things better.)

This weekend, instead of running around and trying to get 203 things done in the span of a mere 12 hour day, we did nothing. We went swimming at a pool. I floated. I dove (really, really gracelessly). I lay motionless on a lounge chair - IN THE SUN! (Yes, I paid for this - despite heroic applications of SPF 50 Baby Block, my pale cave-dwelling skin scorched and burned and is now demanding Aloe slathering every 20 minutes.) We had pizza for dinner. We had ice cream at our favorite shop down the road. We watched the end of Wolverine (because, honestly, it's totally kick ass.) We did NOTHING!

Sunday we let the rain keep us inside. We watched crappy tv. We wore work out clothes and fell asleep during Casanova's nap time.

It was glorious.

I felt something start to shift in my head. Not The Big One where we're all 'get in the door ways, save the cat!" but just a small thing. A small difference. My internal sun reappearing after days (weeks) of glum gray clouds and drizzling rain.

I felt like ME - again.

Back in the over-rated glory days of bygone times, an ex was wont to tell me "Someone is going to take you down a notch someday!" and I'd reply, without fail, "maybe, but it isn't now and it won't be you."

I liked myself then. I still do, now. I like who I am. I'm not 100% thrilled with everything I say, or do, but most days, I like myself. If I were someone else, I'd totally hang out with me - and maybe buy me a nice Smirnoff Ice Light, or maybe burn me a cd, (but nothing weird because I wouldn't want to creep me out).

I like myself happy, even better.

So whatever the difference, even if it was only a weekend of actually RELAXING for once, was worth it. I may not be 17 (except in my head) anymore, but I still sort of, pretty much, actually quite a bit, rock.

Comments, questions, how do YOU do?