Friday, July 9, 2010

It's All Okay, Mommy's Here....

Whew, Friends! I don't even know where to start! Much has happened since last you read my crap brilliance! I guess I'll dive in and add some ' be continued' when I get tired of writing and/or need a Triscuit break.

The Man's IBFF (whom we'll now just call The Brit) arrived on time and fashionably British. Princess hugged him and announced "Ah, he smells like England!" I'm not sure that was exactly true, but we'll go with it.

The rest of his trip was a blur of activities and my ever-dwindling bank account. The Man would announce randomly "you only live once!" while I hyperventilated about losing our checking account "cushion." In case you, um, forgot, Your Favorite Writer suffers from a wee bit of anxiety, and nothing causes me to break out the Buspar faster than fearing my own imminent poverty. Usually, a Friday night consists of a free DVD (because Sassy works in a video store) and some popcorn. Since we were hosting The Brit in all his hilarious-slang glory though, we were spending money like crazy people with REAL ACTUAL social lives! The horror!

We even had a sitter (brace yourselves) for two nights in a row. I know! I was shocked too!

The first night, we went down town to a German bar famous for its outdoor area, and elderly crowd. Well, it wasn't exactly famous for the elderly crowd, but it IS NOW. We met my friend Roobs. See? Here we are, looking far more excited than we actually were:

(If anyone from Lancome just *happens* to be reading, why yes, my application of eye make up IS technically flawless, and of course I would endorse your product - for a nominal fee.)

Ahem. And then there was this warning sign:

Don't worry, it didn't actually STOP any of the oldsters from gyrating on the tables, badly, to the music being played, also badly. Roobs and I were trying to hold down the fort on what we dubbed "the Leper Table" (because our table was apparently repellent to any and all other people and we were stuck staring at each other during any and all Skynard renditions) - when Roobs said that I would have to blog about all this, and I am, I AM.

The more notable mentions? Sure:

A woman who was 70 (AT LEAST) rocking an Ed Hardy shirt and shaking her hips, ON TOP of a TABLE. I couldn't look away. I also couldn't get to my camera, and for that, I am TERRIBLY sorry. But you should be terribly grateful.

Listening to a Lady Gaga song - Bad Romance if you wondered - and realizing the lyrics were ALL wrong. I was so upset, I almost started a riot. Have you HEARD the song? I mean my 5 year old knows the lyrics, so, you know, just saying.

The man with the full-on curled mustache tips. You don't see that every day. There are reasons you don't see that every day.

The apparently gay black man who squealed and jumped on a table specifically to dance to Sweet Home Alabama. If that doesn't strike you as odd, maybe you should go back, and re-read that entire sentence.

And the BEST BEST story? Are you ready? Here goes: As we were packing it up for the night, Roobs and I went out the exit by a side street. We passed the young ID check guy who'd stopped us earlier in the night and said "I'm sorry, you have to be 21" and we all had a good chuckle. Well. This time, ID Check Guy had a walkie-talkie and I heard him say, "Hey, I have a guy threatening to rip somebody's fucking arms off?" And I'm all, "Hey Roobs, did you hear that?!" and she was like "Yeah! What's going on?" And then I look around and, oh wait, where is The Man? Wasn't he just behind me?

So I turned to Roobs. "Oh shit. I hope it's not my husband!" I said with a laugh, joking. Then he came huffing out the gate and said, "I got into it with some guy..."

"Wait. Did you threaten to rip his arms off?"

"Yeah! But wait till you hear why!"

I look at Roobs.

"Okay, we're leaving NOW."

Sigh. Yes. It actually WAS my husband. He tried to claim it couldn't have been him but what are the odds of TWO cases of threatened arm-tearing?! Exactly.

And so ended Night One of the British Invasion.

...To be Continued...

Comments, questions, didn't you all miss me?


Ruby said...

See, aren't you glad I took that picture of the threatening warning sign about No Dancing or Standing on Beirgarten Tables? It truly captures the essence of our expierence!

Sammo said...

I am glad you took that picture! Sure, we only had to scoot about 190 times so *other* weirdos could take the same picture, but I highly doubt they maintain such a STELLAR blog...