Tuesday, June 29, 2010

My Kids are Full of the Ultra Violence

I have a million awesome, fun things to talk about (okay, not really) but it's hard to concentrate; every day here at Casa de Sammo is like a spontaneous MMA match. (For those of you NOT familiar, MMA = mixed martial arts. UFC style. Where guys beat the crap out of each other, typically in an "octagon" with "Joe Rogan" commenting.)(I did the quotes because it made it hilarious. I know he really IS Joe Rogan.)(I want to put Joe Rogan *IN* the octagon. I wonder if he'd find things as interesting from that viewpoint...)(If you have any other MMA questions, talk to my Soul Sister, my Sis-in-Law who is so hardcore that if Joe Rogan were tapped out for eternity, she could hop in his chair and do a WAY better job.)

This basically means that my kids beat each other, daily. Sometimes it's minute by minute. I'll hear them chatting happily about leggos and then BAM! Someone is crying, someone is running, someone is pursuing the runner.

In my Parenting Class we learned how to handle *just this situation*. I should calmly (calmly!) address the Victim and empathize, then tell the Victim to address the Perpetrator. Then, I should (calmly!) address the Perpetrator, while focusing on the hypothesized positive intent, and simultaneously admonish the violence AND provide a solution.

Parenting Method Example: Casanova does a flip on the coffee table and kicks Princess in the head. Princess chases him shouting "You're getting the BEAT DOWN!" I step in, kneel down, and say "Wow, I bet that hurt! Did you like it? Tell Casanova you don't like when he kicks you." She does so. I then tell Casanova, "You were trying to show her your flip (noting assumed positive intent), but you kicked her. Kicking hurts, you may NOT kick. Next time, ask her to watch your flip. Let's practice."

Reality: Casanova does a flip on the coffee table and kicks Princess in the head. Princess chases him, shouting, "You're getting the BEAT DOWN!" I trudge down the hall, ask her if she's okay. Casanova runs past and tries to steal the computer. I tell him he isn't playing on the computer if he's going to kick his sister in the head. Princess comes behind me and says "YEAH, BAD BOY!" Casanova screams "I'm NOT a BAD BOY! You're a bad girl!" I then shuffle Princess off to her room and distract Casanova with a car from his bed room...

Frankly, I do TRY the methods from class, but they are HARD and TIME CONSUMING. Usually while I am still attempting one tactic, someone has thrown a Renuzit air freshener at someone else.

Pretty much, I'm the prison warden around here. I try to keep the inmates from shanking each other during lunch, and give them enough time in the yard to work off steam. During lights out, I routinely patrol upstairs to keep everyone in their cells rooms.

I don't remember beating my brother this much (until we were older). Then again, we had almost a four year age difference, so I regarded him with some curiosity and affection, and then went off to play fabulous imagination games with K. Jo. My kids are exactly two years apart; they're playmates when they're not going at it like members of a rival gang. It's hard to tell when a nice game of Lie to Mommy and Pretend We Didn't Steal the Cheddar Cheese is going to go sour and end up with someone screaming from blunt force trauma.

I'd love to write more, really, (REALLY) I would, but time to break out the tazer, one of the inmates has gone all Code Blue. Again.

Comments, questions, how's your asylum?


Mandy said...

Too funny Sam, I work in a School and all the time ask if its bad I feel like a warden.

Sammo said...

Well you have to keep control somehow! lol... :)