Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Mommy's Crime Family

I was watching a 60 Minutes (or Dateline) (or Primetime) (whatever) special one night about the Gotti crime family, and wished, not for the first time, that I was distantly (but lovingly) attached to the Mob. There are SO MANY problems that could be solved by a quick phone call to someone who didn't mind breaking some legs, am I right?

But alas, Friends, I'm not *connected* and for that, I weep.

The segment I caught involved The Teflon Don's son saying, and I'm quoting what I remember, "You messed up, you ended up in a dumpster."

I could use that sort of attitude around here! I'd like to be the Don of my own fiefdom, wouldn't that be sweet? Unfortunately, ma familia doesn't properly fear my retribution. What I need, Friends, is a couple of made men, or a consigliari around here. Yes, I TOTALLY need a consigliari. That, for those of you who neither read (the book is awesome too) The Godfather, nor watched the movie, and who didn't deign to join the Soprano fan club, is an adviser. Clearly, I need one of those.

And I need a hit man as well, for those pesky problems that can't be solved with a broken knee cap. See, if I had a hit man, I could TOTALLY have gotten my satellite problem fixed much faster. Casanova didn't have access to Dora for a WEEK, and my phone calls went to Automated Call Hell.

If I'd had Jules from Pulp Fiction at my beck and call? Well. You can bet my reception would have been perfect, I'd have free High-Def, AND probably (I'm just guessing) I wouldn't have to pay for movie access!

*Disclaimer* - Video clip shows violence and profanity, viewer discretion is advised:

Only, of course, I'd also be a Benevolent Don, because really, you have to *understand* that people will seek and need your protection! I'd totally be all Godfather with my favors:

See, I might *never* call on you, but if I did, you'd better pay up. It's that simple.

And if I had PMS that week? Well, then you REALLY should stay out of my way because there's a chance I could go all Pesci-from-Goodfellas on you.

What? Am I a clown? Do I AMUSE you? Bwahahahaaa!

(And PS - in a pure moment of cinematic karma, Spider was eventually cast as Christopher in The Sopranos. Brilliant!)

But alas, I'm no Don, and no one worries when I threaten to throw them in dumpsters. So let's get this thing started! I'll be the Don, and I'll accept volunteers for my available positions. I don't really want to be a criminal, since that tends to involve things like prison time, but the rest of it works for me....

Or I guess I could just buy this wallet. I'm very, very tempted. Although I'm pretty sure it *doesn't* scream "Excellent Mother" - obviously it does scream something involving mothers....

(If you were wondering, this wallet is the LADIE'S version. I'm so not lying. I was thinking bedazzling it would really add that touch of class...)

Comments, questions, wanna be my consigliari?