Friday, June 25, 2010

Get Stupified!

Oy vey dear Friends. Scene: last night, putting Princess to bed, in her white girly day-bed, in the heart of her raspberry pink room that is covered in butterfly memorabilia.

Princess: Mommy, I want a poster of Justin Beaver. (Yes, I KNOW it's Beiber, but she said BEAVER, as in the dam-building adorable buck-toothed rodent things.)

Me: Do you know who he is?

Princess: (Speaking slowly, as if to someone of limited mental capacity.)Yeeeesssss. He's a rock star.

Me: No. NO, he is not. I mean, he sings. But he's not a rock star. There's a difference.

Daddy: Don't you want a poster of Spongebob?

Princess: Um. NO. Justin Beaver is a SINGER.

Both of us, in unison: What does he sing?

Princess: I have no idea.

Me: (to the Man) Hey, did you know that Sassy is going to a Skynard show? I told her to name one song and she couldn't do it! Sweet Home Alabama, I mean what is wrong with the youth of today?!

The Man: Why is she going?

Me: Who knows.

Princess: I really want that poster!

Me: We'll think about it.

And of course, Friends, I didn't have time to explain the very real and *important* difference between a rock star, and a manufactured, trite, plastic pop star. It *IS* an important difference.

Rock stars have edge.
Pop stars are edge-LESS.

Rock stars write their own songs.
Pop stars sing stuff written by crack teams of trained marketing professionals.

Rock stars party like ROCK STARS.
Pop stars occasionally fall off the wagon, shave their heads and end up in rehab, but usually land right back in spandex, sequins and head sets with FIERCE choreography.

Rock stars don't USE choreography.
(Are you taking notes, because I'm really helping make the world safe for apple pie, democracy and cool whip here.)

Rock stars almost *always* have guitars.
Pop stars have back up bands that use guitars for the "edgy" song. You'll notice more lighting and possibly leather to cue an edgy song. (Hint: It's not REALLY an edgy song.)

Rock stars wear weird clothes. Like kilts, or socks on their junk, or random plaid.
Pop stars wear trendy things that are often shiny.

Rock stars are so hardcore they can OD before a show, pawn their equipment, cover their needle tracks and still perform. Maybe not well, but still perform.
Pop stars get "exhaustion" - which is code for rehab.

Rock stars have a lot of tattoos, or meaningful tattoos.
Pop stars will have one well-placed, conservative tattoo - think an asian symbol that probably REALLY means 'chicken fried leggos' - but they think it means 'spiritual soul.'

See, I really hope this helps you. And sometimes, it can get confusing, because you'll think it's a pop star, but in fact, it's actually a ROCK star. You just have to pay ATTENTION to the CLUES, dear Sherlock.

But because I'm a magnanimous writer, as well as just a shining example of all that is good and pure in the world, I've compiled a list of some rock stars and pop stars to help you:

Rock Stars:
Disturbed (obviously)
Five Finger Death Punch (what's not to love)
Metallica
Slash
Scott Weiland
(the late) Lane Staley
(the late) Brad Nowell
Amy Lee
Pink
Lady Gaga

(See?! I knew you'd be confused. But frankly, if you called Pink a pop star, she might punch your eye, which is pretty rock. And Gaga writes all her own stuff, is full of dark brooding angst which she translates into weird face-covering outfits, and could also, in theory, kill you with her stillettos. Again, rock.)

Pop Stars:
Justin Beaver (bwahahahaa)
Kesha (I won't spell a NAME with a dollar sign that makes NO SOUND. I won't do it. And, quite frankly, since she hasn't gotten hit by a bus, I'm hoping she'll fall into the black pit of failed second albums.)
Miley Cyrus


It's a short list because I invariably put in a cd if I have to listen to too much of the pop station. I can't handle it. I'm like a drunk coming off a bender - I get the shakes, start seeing spots..... Must. have. rock.

So you get it now, right? I mean, Princess is pretty hardcore - she LOVES getting down with the sickness, and don't you dare change songs in the middle of Let's Start a Riot....but this new Beaver thing? Sigh. I guess I'll have to deal with it, but I don't have to LIKE it. And I'm pretty sure I'll be safe during the teen years because how can ANYone express their innermost angry teen without rock stars?! Yeah, I know. Not possible!

Comments, questions, what poster is on YOUR wall?

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