Friday, June 11, 2010

Don't Worry, it's Just Research

Although my mother steadfastly insists that I refer to it as "dvr" and even turns it into a verb "I dvr-ED House the other day...." I refuse to call it anything other than Tivo, mainly because I pay a RIDICULOUS fee each month to use an actual *TIVO* dvr system.

And I love Tivo, I really do. There is nothing invented in the last ten years that is more a Control Freak's Friend than Tivo. I can record shows, ignore stupid commercial jingles, and skip through those parts of Dr. Oz I just don't care about (hint: anything involving his "Truth Tube" and overweight people. I just go to Biggest Loser for that.). It's AWESOME.

But then, sometimes, you start recording stuff you might not actually WANT to watch, or that OTHER people want to watch, or that you don't really like but can't STOP watching but you're all "hey, it's on our list, so we HAVE to watch it!" And if you're not *just* a Control Freak but also Compulsively Guilt-Ridden? Well. Then you watch this show that you watched just once and keep hoping things will turn out differently:

See, we watched it a little last season and I got all upset and cried and raged at the television and then I privately told myself I wouldn't watch it again because it's just depressing yo, but then The Man Tivo'd it and now I have about 5 episodes on my list and there isn't a whole lot of good tv at the moment so we *have* to watch our list and....well....GREAT. Whale Wars it is then.

Now not ONLY am I angry and violently opposed to the Chinese government and their oppression of Tibet. (Which PS I have carried THAT torch since 1996 yo.) But now I have to be all Down with Japan's Whaling Industry! And a girl just gets tired of bedazzling cause t-shirts, right?

Seriously, have you SEEN this show? Okay. Let me sum it up for you. A bunch of Angry Hippies (as opposed to dirty hippies, dead-head hippies, or tree-hugging hippies, although we can safely assume these hippy labels also apply) boat around the Antarctic trying to chase Japanese whaling boats away from endangered whales. See, now you're asking the VERY SAME questions that *I* asked! But Sammo, you say, if they're *endangered* why are the Japanese whaling ships allowed to kill any whales? Well I'll tell you, since I've had to watch almost two full seasons of this show, I totally know this.

It's not technically commercial whaling, because THAT my friends would be illegal. No, it's RESEARCH. Ohhhhhh, you say, now I get it. Wait, what? Yeah, according to section 3, title A, paragraph 2 of the Gigantic Intergalactic Bullshit Whaling Agreement (note: not real name) Japanese "scientists" (I'm also using air quotes if that helps) can catch and kill and RESEARCH up to like 900 of a particular kind of whale, 300 of another kind and some of them ARE endangered.

Sure, when they show the harpooning (and I can see through my tears) and the hauling of the whale up what I call the "chute of death" and the bile-inducing expert butchering on the deck, it SURE LOOKS LIKE they're processing it for market. I mean, that's how it would look to someone with eyes and a functioning brain stem and stuff.

But they're not, and you know how I know that? Well I'll tell you. The "scientists" on the Japanese whaling boats hold up huge English signs that say things like "Research" and "Weighing Stomach Contents" (and you just have to ignore that they flush all the innards over the side of the ship which doesn't look very scientific to me, yo.). Ahhhhh, I see. Well, I mean, they're holding signs, in English and EVERYTHING that say research. Well it totally HAS to be research, because a bunch of fishermen would NEVER lie about that and use a loophole to kill whales and then sell them in the market. Would they? I mean....signs....research...

See. Now I have another cause.

I'm not going to go all Angry Hippy on a mofo or anything because honestly, these poor lovable hippies try REALLY hard to stop the whalers but they usually can't do much because the Evil Whalers (note: NOT REALLY SCIENTISTS) use huge water cannons to keep them away from their whaling ships, and the hippies try to throw smelly chemicals on board to stop them from processing the, er, research, but it's really hard to hit a target that's moving when you're being shot with a water cannon. Then the hippies all stand around and yell and cry when the Evil Whalers pull another sad dead whale up the "chute of death" and I'm crying right there with them, as well as pondering my general hypocrisy because I'm totally not a vegetarian and I may or may not have had steak for dinner, but that's NOT THE POINT here readers.

And then The Man is all Angry Hippy which is totally HIGHlarious because he's all part of the MAN and military and clean cut and "cut your hair hippy" but he's wanting to bomb the Evil Whalers and yelling "That's bullshit!" when they pull a whale out of the water. (And I'm pretty sure he isn't even thinking about the steak dinner we had and how he might want to go vegetarian....)

But seriously, I'd never eat a WHALE and they're ENDANGERED and why don't we just go and shoot some bald eagles for RESEARCH and then have tasty bald eagle cutlets and yell "tastes just like chicken" and then taxidermy its poor feathery head on our wall to show our friends and say we were just "weighing the stomach contents" - heh, heh, YEAH in OUR stomachs. (Cue evil laughter.)


See? THIS is why I can't have very many causes. I get all upset and have to find the Buspar start writing letters to the President. Again.

I mean really, when a bunch of Angry Hippies are your first defense, you know that you should probably look into whatever is going on. Hell, Bob Barker (yeah, you read that right) donated $5 million (you read that right, too) to the Angry Hippies (who refer to themselves as the Sea Shepherds - which, admittedly is catchier than Angry Hippies). If Bob Barker knows we need to do something, ummmmmm, government, helllloooo? I know we're all upset with BP right now, and trust me, I'm bedazzling THAT shirt as we speak, but they're harpooning WHALES. Sad, lovely, making-crazy-sonar-noises WHALES!!!!

Who the hell uses HARPOONS these days?! I read Moby Dick (yeah you KNOW I did) and THEY used harpoons and it was a terrible story and terrible metaphor and dreadful book and really, that's the LAST time anyone should have used a harpoon!

So. Honk if you love whales! Or write a letter to congress (get in line) or bedazzle a t shirt. But don't watch Whale Wars unless you want to cry in your Crystal Light Lemonade, because it's not just the Angry Hippies who care, it's anyone who hates to see lovely whales harpooned.

Comments, questions, join the cause?