Monday, June 14, 2010

Being an Adult is Over-Rated

Have you ever (as an adult) planned a bbq, or get together or party or something and then realized that things were just SO MUCH EASIER when you were a wee adorable sprite of a teenager and all you had to do was call (because WE didn't have texting or Facebook) your friends and say "hey, my mom is gone all weekend - show up!"?! Because YEAH, it was a LOT easier. Your friends would just show up with someone's parents' stolen rum and someone else would offer to bring the pizza because they worked at the Pizza Hut down the road yo, and a party it was. SIMPLE.

Oh but as an adult? Oh we have to do invitations and rsvp and although *I* often forget to rsvp, I totally think people should rsvp to ME because CLEARLY it's the right thing to do. Then you have to count heads, remember to BUY THE DAMNABLE BBQ SAUCE already, and PS who is on jell-o shot duty? Oh yeah, your awesome neighbor who swears that the best containers are those ketchup holders at Arby's but you have to snag the lids ALSO, which is just totally Anti Your Massive Guilt Complex, so you'll have to have your husband do THAT part of the project.

And sure, sure your awesome friends have offered to bring things, but since you're super cool (and not terribly organized) you just breezily say "oh whatever, it's fine" because you're SURE you'll somehow GET organized before the party but you know that really, probably not. And if you don't kick your husband in the ass, NO ONE is getting to enjoy that chocolate fountain because you're sure it's stashed in the attic and there is NO WAY you can even reach that damned door so it's totally up to him...

And speaking of your husband, well, apparently "We're Having a BBQ" is really top-secret Man Code for "Finish Up 357 Separate Projects in 2 Weeks Time" - so while you've slaved away cleaning out the fridge (which is your least favorite project EVER) he's been busy digging the mulch out and replacing it with river rock and finishing up the Great Ghetto Deck Re-Build of 2010, and all you can do is watch the Children of the Corn (like you don't get enough of THAT during the week) and try to clean the toilets without someone drinking Windex.

But then it's time to run out to Lowe's and you basically have to TAZE THAT MAN to keep him from blowing your entire bank account like a large-biceped Martha Stewart. No, we don't actually NEED matching tiki torches for the entire deck. Oh wait. You said tiki torches? Well actually yes, I'm on board with that.

See and since you're an adult, you can totally buy your OWN liquor, which is all fine and dandy except it was SO MUCH CHEAPER when you just stole it from your parents. Am I right? And since your parents didn't drink much, who knew that the rum was mostly water? (Which in hindsight was pretty dickish of you, really. Because maybe your mom DESERVED that daiquiri, and you just made it a nasty watery surprise didn't you? And she was probably drinking to drown out the fact that you were a dirty teenage smart ass. Way to go, champion.)

But you really don't want to spend a LOT of money on drinks because *YOU* don't like beer and would rather just have a nice daiquiri but you have to think about OTHERS and they DO like beer, so whatever, now you have to buy beer. Fine. But you won't drink it because it's GROSS. And your husband keeps asking you what a keg costs - like you EVEN KNOW. Look sugar, just because I went to a school that was voted the top party school one year does NOT mean I know about kegs - in fact, I studiously avoided kegs like they were covered in herpes, which they probably WERE. *I* was kept quite busy experimenting with flavored $5 long-islands, thankyouverymuch.

And then there's the children. I mean, you have CHILDREN now, which did NOT happen back in the glory days of your youthful partying. Let's face it, even the girls who drank the water and got knocked up didn't bring the kid to the party. But now, since you're hosting, you have these kids to think about! So you'd better remember which punch is which, friends, or you'll have some 'splaining to do. Hint: make a sign or put the Good Punch on the fridge. God knows you can't count on the men folk to remember, so make sure that you and your friends aren't too busy practicing inversion on the stripper pole to watch the kids and the punch.

But hey, THAT is a plus. You're old enough now that you have your own basement and your OWN stripper pole. Not that they had home stripper poles back in the olden times of your yesteryear. THAT is quite the new inclusion in the home party room, my friends. And yes, we should absolutely respect strippers for their skills (if nothing else) because that. stuff. is. hard. And there is NOTHING sexy about learning the basics of the pole dance. There are a lot of bruises and possible concussions though. Which is TOTALLY why you have to have people sign a waiver. Mental note: get the waiver printed up BEFORE your biff decides to spin upside down after her third margarita.

So yeah. I hope you have a good time, because really, this stuff is STRESSFUL. And being the adult is HARD. Enjoy yourself because you've earned it.

Comments, questions, wanna party?


Aunt Becky said...

Dude, planning BBQ's is a BITCH. Because Daver is all, "whatever" and doesn't help for shit and then I have to do it all. And WHAT IF NO ONE SHOWS UP? GAH!

Sammo said...

I'm planning on hoarding at least two blender-fulls of frosty fruity rum crap, so at least there will be that! And The Man needs to dial it down a notch, or he'll still have his tool belt on when people get here. I may have to give him the hose. Again.