Friday, May 7, 2010


*I want to announce ahead of time that this is sort of a medically-related post. Since I've been talking about my health problems (yawwwwwn) more often than someone in a retirement home, I fully understand if you want to navigate off in search of lemur ownership or a time-share in the Med. Then again, if you're REALLY into adverse drug reactions (because who isn't?!), read on homies, read on.*

When I went in for my yearly physical, I told my doctor I was tired of taking the VicoMagic for my cramp-ages (aka Irrefutable Proof of my Bad Karma) so she suggested something that would help but, and I totally quote, "without the narcotic side effects." Perfect! Better than Advil, not crazy on the codeine. What's not to love?

The hallucinations, friends, THAT small matter.

I'm not talking about full-on, singing show tunes with Spongebob at the Copa Cabana while I'm wide awake, not exactly that level, but still - for "non-narcotic" -

The label says, again quoting faithfully, "1-2 pills every 4-6 hours for pain." Gotcha. Being the conservative (and fearful) lass that I am, I took one. I waited an hour. Ow. Still hurt like The Lord of the Dance was Irish clogging his way across my kidneys. Okay, well I'll take a second one. The label SAID 1-TWO, right?

I spent the rest of the evening in a buzzy haze. I cleaned up after dinner, gave the kids their shower, put them to bed, spontaneously (and this should have been a warning sign) cleaned my cat's basement litter box, and then stared at the tv for about 2 hours. At one point I announced to The Man that although the episode of "Community" we were watching was extra strange, I was pretty sure I was drugged enough that it made an odd sort of sense.

Then....bed time.

You know how sometimes, right before you fall asleep, you hear (or think you hear) a noise and wake up, listening for it? I heard someone whisper my name - in my left ear. Wha...? Who??? Oh, okay, no one there. Totally normal. I'll just go back to sleep. Or maybe I'll just half see and half dream lions jumping around, and a dog chasing me and....who's there? Oh, I'm awake...sort of....

See, when I was a sprightly 19 year old charming college student, I had my hateful gallbladder removed after it tried to kill me. They gave me morphine. I hallucinated and my mom tackled a nurse; she removed the IV before I ripped it out with my teeth. I kept seeing animals: ants on the hospital bed, cows trying to lick me, lions on the wallpaper border, you name it.

Aaaand now I know that not only is my subconscious AMAZING on the dance floor, but it also has some sort of issue with the fauna of the natural world. *(I'm sure that it means something deep and mystical.)* I kept ALMOST falling asleep (which is HELLA-annoying when you REALLY want to SLEEP) but I would freak myself into a state of semi-awareness with vivid animal images. WHAT THE EFF?!!?!

Non-narcotic. Huh.

Well, I planned to google this "tramadol" (which my wacky roving mind kept chanting as "tram-a-lama-a-ding-dong" and giggling manically) when I got up (and was hopefully coherent) this morning.

According to the *experts* at Wikipedia (whom I fully trust despite a SERIOUS lack of spelling skills....*eyeroll*) Tramadol has similar effects to codeine without some of the negative problems. Um. What *exactly* would I be avoiding... because I'm pretttty sure I've never tripped out to sparkly lights and random dancing herds of deer while on my VicoWonder.


The other reason I should never google anything I might be concerned? Seizures. Apparently in high does, it can cause seizures! But so can Coke Zero, so that doesn't bother me.

Hearing buzzing and dreaming about bees, while I'm not ACTUALLY asleep, now THAT bothers me!

So. I suffer. Or I take the Vico-business or maybe I stick with just one Tram-a-lam-a-ding-dong? Oh the options are plenty and confusing!

I'll let you know when the animals start talking. (Now if my CAT could talk to me, THAT would be AWESOME. Maybe. He'd just complain about the food and accommodations, sooo.....maybe not.)

Comments, questions, how's YOUR subconscious?


dandymandy said...

Fauna, huh?? As an interesting side note, tramadol's chemical structure is almost exactly identical to codeine's. So what does this mean in real life? Tramadol=codeine??? Pretty close. Hope you feel better soon!

Sammo said...

What is my doc doing?! lol! I usually feel better in about a day or so.... Thanks! :)