Saturday, May 8, 2010

Silence is Golden

It's quiet here on the Mid-Western front. Toooo quiet. And not the kind of quiet that occurs after spontaneous-accidental-family-ax-murdership (it *is* a word NOW), but the quiet that happens when The Man takes The Children, and leaves. It happens, sometimes, and CLEARLY I know not what to do with it. This is a tiny glimpse inside my head at these times:

Wow! I'm alone. Alone! ALOOOOONE! What should I do? I should call someone! Wait, I should enjoy the silence. How long are they gone? Did he mention the store or the car wash or BOTH? How LONG do I HAVE??? Should I fire up a candle and take a relaxing bath? Where is my daiquiri? Did Casanova ruin my Cool Whip (again)? I think I have to pee. I can pee by myself! Joy, JOY, unfettered shining joy!

Then they come crashing back through the door with all the restraint of a car load of clowns on speed, and my Calgon Moment is left in tatters. But we have this moment, right now, friends. This silent moment is ours.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. If you have a mother, thank her for putting up with your ungrateful ass. (Especially during those pre-Goth-because-Goth-wasn't-invented-until-even-after-Your-Favorite-Writer-was-old teen years when you turned up loud music and made sure she understood you were very passively-aggressively telling her how you felt. Through the bed room door. In the house without YOUR dirty rude teenage name on the mortgage. Jerk.)

If you ARE a mother, well, thank your mother quickly, then move on to enjoying Your Special Day. It's what I plan to do. I don't know what anyone is planning (although Sassy mentioned some sort of bra-shopping bonanza, and if "2 cup sizes larger" doesn't scream "I appreciate you" I don't know what does!) and I really don't care, because it's my day to walk around the house, fist held high, shouting "It's MOTHER'S DAY! I should be in bed right now! And whose shoe did I step on? Where are my PANCAKES?!" Such is enough for me.

It's still quiet here. I tested the waters. I called to request Sugar-Free Transfatty Fat Coffee Vanilla Fake Sugar Flavoring and they are still in the store. Wheeeeeeee! Maybe I have time to exfoliate, or buff my heels, or practice pinning my hair in a chignon (I know not what that is) or take practice LSAT test questions just so I can FEEL smart, or check Craigslist (again) for the functional pay phone I want for the basement....

This silence, friends, is golden. Enjoy it while it lasts. And Happy Mother's Day, you know, tomorrow. (Which won't be silent but, by all that is merciful, had better include pancakes.)

Comments, questions, who's your mommy?