Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Serial Killer Lawn

Well, since The Man gets home within a matter of hours, I think it's safe to tell all of you now that I've been the Lone Parent On Duty for the last eternity ten days or so. Normally, I keep that stuff to myself for Safety Purposes. (In case you're stalking me, you should know I am totally A. armed B. with canine and C. Dangerous. clearly dangerous.)

Usually when The Man leaves for one of his Mandatory Military Get-a-Ways, I look around hopefully, like, soooooo, when's the adult going to get here and tell us all what do do? Oh wait. *I* am the resident adult. CRAP.

Then, I'll find some sort of Random Home Improvement Project to undertake; and I'll usually get fed up halfway through and curse The Man's absence because I can't remove all the bleeding asshat wallpaper border myself and quit so I can go Facebook. When he returns, I'll be all "While You Were Out" and TADAAAAA! Your wallpaper border is hanging in shreds like a deranged cat tried to pry it off with its wee little kitty hooks...but didn't succeed. Enjoy!

And of course the lawn is left in total disarray because in case you didn't know, it's REALLY difficult to mow with two small destructive children left by their lonesome in the house. NOT that I'm that intrigued with mowing. First off, there are bugs. Secondly, I might break a sweat, and while I could technically file it under 'cardio' and be done with it, my current ASS-ma problem has basically prohibited me from doing anything that needs EXTRA air. I really don't want to make headlines: On the city's east side today, a young and stunningly beautiful mother was found dead by her still running lawn mower after suffering a fatal ASS-ma attack. A bee sighting is thought to have precipitated the attack. More at 6 pm.

So I'm living with Shut-in-Serial-Killer-Lawn right now. Niiiiice. I'll buy The Man a machete for our anniversary. Surprise sweetie! Now you can hack your way through bamboo, rain forests, OR just to the mail box!

Although the machete might not be necessary....(yet)...because...

My *awesome fabulous hot gorgeous wonderful spectacular redonkulous* neighbor called this morning and said she was sending "Robert" over to mow my lawn. I don't even CARE if it's because we're a cul-de-sac eyesore, or if it's because we look like Shut-in-Serial-Killers. I don't even CARE if ROBERT is a shut-in-serial-killer. He has a zero-turn radius mower and while that's probably VERY impressive, she had me at the "someone is coming over to mow your yard for you" part.

Did I mention I love this woman?

I'd also love to tell you that while I am the Only Parent on Duty that I do really amazing crafts with my kids and make time special for them; yet in reality I'm a bit suck-ish at crafts, my kids have no patience for creating, I dislike glue on furniture, and we'd all rather make cupcakes. Daddy, if you're reading, you may or may not be getting cupcakes.

I have a lot of laundry to finish, some floors to clean and some children to wrangle. The cupcakes will come in later, because Daddy's coming home! (Insert Ozzy melody with lyric-change if needed.)

Comments, questions, do you machete?