Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Green Stuff. (No, not THAT green stuff.)

Today I broke down, under intense maternal pressure, and purchased THIS:

What is it, you ask? Well, unless you're a Dirty Hippy, live in California, or are my mother (or some bizarre combination of the three) you might not know it. It's a Hippy-Organic-Green-Earth-Saving food brand called "Odwalla" and this is the "Superfood drink." It happens to look like pureed grass and manure.

*I should probably mention that no one from Odwalla has paid me anything to mention this product. I should also mention that no one pays me A'TALL to do ANYthing. This should change, shouldn't it? I mean, seriously. I'm doing you people a SERVICE here with my wit and brilliance (and ethereal beauty) on display every *single* day. Some bloggers are only phoning it in, working real jobs and posting, what, twice a week? Sheah. I have STANDARDS people. And they deserve gold bullion, trips to the med and maybe, just maybe some autographed guitar pics. Or guitars. They would fit nicely with my basement decor. Something to think about....*

Aaaaanyway. Back to the pureed manure/grass concoction. My mom is pretty sure that this stuff can cure cancer, fix the lame and teach me math skills. No matter what is going on, she'll randomly ask "Did you drink any of the green stuff?" No mom, I'm busy doing laundry. "Drink some green stuff. It'll help." With laundry? Apparently it's VERY powerful.

When we went down for the weekend, she had me pick up two hippy overpriced jugs of the "green stuff" because it was a whole dollar cheaper than her local grocery. Then she proceeded to chase me around her house with glasses of it. "It'll help you get better!" I am pretty sure AIR would have helped, but I guess a cup full of wheat germ, mangoes and lizard innards (or whatever) will cure what ails me. Again, currently, it's lack of O2. (And the "Green Stuff" is totally vegetarian, and no lizards were harmed in the making of the goo.)(It's probably Vegan friendly too. They massage the grass and let it listen to Beethoven - because Bach is just too stuffy for grass - before they cut it with tiny nail-kit scissors, all for the good of my liver.)

I might mention that I was vegetarian, once, okay, SEVERAL times in my life. Inevitably though I get lazy and crave me some Cheeseburger in Paradise. Curse you Jimmy Buffet and your well-marketed hamburger oasis! Seriously, I'm the crappiest veg EVER. I'm all gung ho and saving chickens and cows across the land, and then it's BBQ season and well.....yeah. Feel free to send me hate mail, but I'll totally ignore you if I get a hankering for a black-and-blue burger. (Curse you Buffet! You and your catchy song about pickles and tomatoes!) Chances are I'll ignore you anyway because odds are I kill WAY more lettuce and mushrooms than you do.

Honestly, if I didn't have to cook for children and a complete CARNIVORE FROM HELL (ahem, that'd be you, THE MAN) I would probably live off Boca Burgers, salad, and perhaps now this Green Goo that my mom pushes with all the conviction of that crazy lady from Three's Company and her weird hormone supplements. (Secret: she scares me.)(That lady, not my mom. Well okay, sometimes my mom. She's pretty hardcore.)

So that's what I'm drinking, ladies and gents, when I'm not drinking this:

Not that it's curing cancer OR teaching me math skills but it's goooooood. And I am pretty sure it's also vegetarian and vegan friendly! And the people at Coke Zero would DEFINITELY be more than welcome to send me a couple endorsement deals because I am pretty sure that I'm at least using up HALF of their MidWestern supply. (PS I do NOT live in one of the "10 Healthiest Cities" - so um, a lot of people here take their coke straight up, all calories, so the Zero is really mine, alllll miiiiine.)

Comments, questions, what's in your fridge?


Aunt Becky said...

I'd live on Diet Coke alone if I could. That green shit looks like pureed assholes. Did it taste like it? Because I won't touch it.

Sammo said...

Actually it tastes rather like a fruit smoothie....but I have to look away while I drink it. The good news is, my entire family thinks it looks so repulsive, that my $7 miracle drink is safe! And as for the Coke Zero, well that's what I put in the salad drawer under the lettuce.